I still miss the stupid pug so so much. I miss him greeting me when I come home from work. I miss his little whine for me. I miss waking up in the morning without him (which I was always very aware of as he was either lying on my head/pillow or by/on my legs). I miss him lying and watching me while I trained on the bike or treadmill. I miss him just chilling on the sofa or cuddling up to me in the evenings when watching TV (so much so I am just going to bed early).
I still forget too. When I walk back in the house I go to say 'Hello Dobby'. When the postman comes or we go out the door and he isn't coming I still say 'stay Dobby', just to ensure he doesn't run out (although he never would go far as I mentioned before, just a tiny dash of excited freedom to the gravel outside). Everything in our house has something pug related on the wall. Both doors we use to enter the house are greeted with pictures saying "Home is where the pug is".
When the reality does hit it is a desperately sad reminder of what we are missing. Our home does feel lonely without Dobby, even with two crazy 3 year old's running around! That shows how much Dobby was part of our family.
James however did something amazing the other day and it has reminded me how precious, kind and intuitive children can be. I was gifted a lovely pug teddy from a lady in the village. I can heat up the beans inside so they are warm and smell of lavender. Her thought being I could get some sleep and have a warm hug, such a kind and thoughtful gift. It has lived on my bed since and despite being nearly 30 I have cuddled it every night in bed. Whilst I was on the treadmill the other day James went upstairs and got 'Teddy Dobby'. At first I was angry he had touched what he knew was mummy's, but then he placed it on the floor next to the treadmill and said, "There you go Mummy". He knew Dobby lay next to me, like my shadow when I ran or biked. Cue the hot tears welling in my eyes (which is pretty hard to let lose when trying to run a Tempo run at 8.7mph!). My boys simply are the best.
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| 'Teddy Dobby' keeping me company while I train |
It hurts like a knife in the chest when the boys ask, "Where is Dobby?" who are now missing his company and playfulness. James particularly loved Dobby and was forever chasing him around. In fact the last video we have is of Dobby jumping in and out of the paddling pool with James egging him on to do it again and again (see video below). We have been honest with them however and said he has gone to 'Night Nights' in heaven and not coming home. As the story above of Teddy Dobby proves, even at 3 they are much cleverer than we sometimes care to think so honesty was the best, albeit hard, way.
I am exhausted from working so hard at work, and I know I am lucky to be busy with work during the current times but my work is long and tiring let alone with kids, & grief. As well as that I am in a new technical department so learning so much every single day that my brain sometimes feels fried. I am also exhausted from keeping 'the face' on. The face I have perfected over the years to pretending everything is OK. Thanks to some understanding bosses and colleagues I did take 2 days off this week to try recuperate a little and have some family time. It was much needed but am now back on a 6 day straight.
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| Some family time |
I am however reading, well listening, to a great book, which I implore everyone to read, "The subtle art of not giving a Fuck" which is changing my mindset. I always listen to audiobooks during my commute and now I have listened to all the Harry Potter's (twice over) this is my latest. In here the author Mark Manson talks about what you should try to give a fuck about and explains how everything that happens to you, be it a tragedy or accident YOU alone are responsible for how you react. YOU are responsible for everything that happens in your life. Nobody else. A pity party is good for nobody.
After we lost Rosie, I drowned myself in bottle after bottle for the first year which clearly did me no benefit, let alone those around me. However, for those who know my story, I then made some good by honouring her by taking responsibility for my own happiness. I had to find a way to function again. I quit my job, I moved to Lanzarote and ultimately I completed my promise by qualifying and completing Kona. This is the type of thing Mark is on about. Only YOU can be responsible for YOU and your values.
Yes to some 'it is just a dog' but this has affected me, but like before I will not go to the end of the bottle(s) again (that said I am NO quitter haha). I could be disheartened and demotiavated that IRONMAN Wales, my only race this year, has inevitably been postponed due to COVID. I could have taken that as the final nail in the coffin so to speak. But no, I am sticking to another promise I made myself and doing this at home instead.
I will struggle with losing Dobby for some time to come. The sheer missing him, to the guilt and then the flashbacks and thoughts of his final moments. However, although I am still crying during or after every training session at the moment I am training again (after a few days off). I am pushing through the anger and devastation to do something positive.
I have decided to try raise a little money for dog related charities in the process so if you could spareanything please do take a look at my fundraising page. It truly would mean so so much to me.
No pity party here. Acknowledge I am not going to be OK and my smile may be fake behind it all but I am still here, still pushing and taking responsibility in a positive way. As Manson also states in his book the quote, "With Great Power comes Great Responsibility" (yes from Spiderman) would be better when switched to "With Great Responsibility comes Great Power". I could not agree more.
Hollie xx
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