IRONMAN @ Home race report

I have to start this with the BIGGEST thanks to every single person who supported, watched, wished me luck and donated to my IRONMAN at home on the 5th September. I am absolutely overwhelmed to have raised £850 (in fact over £1000 with gift aid) for my chosen charities; Blue Cross animal charity and PDWRA (The Pug Dog Welfare & Rescue Association). See link here. I am so humbled and grateful.

It was one hell of a day. The knowledge I had raised so much money really did push me on, especially when it got dark, not just outside but for me too. I am glad I kept my promise of doing an IRONMAN this year after Wales was cancelled but please never let me do something like that ever again! Mainly because the torture of running past my friends at my home 8 times while they sipped beer and Prosecco was horrible! 🤣

Hollie's IRONMAN @ Home

The Swim - 1 hour

I woke up at 5:20 to begin swimming at 6am. My thoughts being the quicker I start the quicker I finish. In hindsight I am so glad I did start early given my eventual finish time! I did the swim in my parent's above ground pool (where we live next door) via a swim tether. Essentially I tied a bungee cord around my waist and swam towards a wall. 

The plan was to do this for an hour as that would be roughly how long it would take in a real event to do the 2.4 mile swim and I didn't have waves or an Australian exit to worry about like in Tenby. For those who don't know this is where it is a 2 lap swim course so I would have to do one lap, get out of the sea, run on the beach and restart the lap. 

I was using a wetsuit, nose clip, waterproof iPod (lifesaver) and snorkel, a sexy look I am sure you can imagine. I had got up to around 40 minutes two nights previous to the event with minimal stops and I only stopped due to my snorkel leaking (great timing!). Luckily a friend stepped in to save the day and the day before I rushed to her house to borrow her snorkel (an absolute lifesaving decision - thank you Grace). 

The pool looked amazing actually. It was still so dark at that time and the full moon was shining brilliantly down on the lit pool. It was lovely. I started my watch and off I went. I have to say the hour flew by. My 15 minute alerts were clocking down and I was just enjoying being in the moment listening to my music in peace, calm and serenity (probably because I knew it would be anything but for the my next discipline where I had 112 miles to do on a stationary bike).

My Dad joined me outside with his kindle, a coffee and a VERY warm coat and although I couldn't thank or see him much when swimming I noticed his presence and it meant the world. My mum was watching me in the warmth of her bed (smart move) through the bedroom window and managed to take this lovely image of the scene.

Anyway. the swim went without any fuss and then it was onto T2 (transition).

The Bike - 6 hours 53 minutes

Nathan was now taking on the role as my sherpa and PR company, going on to Facebook live whenever he fancied (much to my seeming annoyance on screen especially as he started at 05:30) but it has to be said he did a great job. He had set my Zwift up ready for me to jump straight on. I took 10 minutes taking off my wetsuit and having a complete change (what a luxury to a normal triathlon) and jumped on the bike. 

My supporters

I wanted to mimic the epic climbing in Wales and as my Smart Turbo trainer allows me to do this (again for those who don't know if Zwift - the cycling programme I use has an incline it links up to the turbo trainer which affects the gradient on the machine). I knew I had to climb 2450m over the 112 miles so picked a course on Zwift to suit this. 

The bike also went without a hitch really. I actually enjoyed it. I had the boys in there with me watching sometimes and my friend Gemma, who stayed the previous night, kept me company for a lot of the 7 hours, which was a perfect time to catch up (no bike handling skills needed). 

Nathan was prepping food for the friends arriving and then I could watch out of the window as some of my closest friends from various places begin arriving.

At the end of the 6 hours and 53 minutes I felt pretty good. I averaged 26km per hour for the 180k. I had a bit of stomach pain but I felt I had fuelled OK during the ride.

I was however absolutely dreading the run. I had been for weeks. I spent 10 minutes getting my trainers on psyching myself up for marathon and for the hours pounding the pavement ahead.

The Run - 5 hours 57 minutes

Maybe I went into the run with the wrong attitude despite knowing I had the distance in my legs especially with my recent treadmill work. Yet even if I did after the first lap it all went to...well literally...shit (pardon the pun and pardon the brutal honesty of racing long distance).

I had decided to do 4 laps of my usual 10k loop. This lap system is one I tend to like as I can break it up, as well as this it mimics Wales' course. It also meant I passed my supporters 8 times. It was decided that I would have company for each lap. My mum riding with me on one (which ended up being nearly all), then my best friend Yuliya running the second, Nathan the third, then mum again for the final.

I did the first 10.5k lap in just over an hour, just shy of what I wanted. However, I was struggling. 

During the second lap I was cramping badly and just felt like I couldn't run. When I was with mum I could just drink on demand as I put my water in her basket. However, neither myself or Yuliya were carrying water with us when running (I couldn't find my run jacket for some reason either). I called for someone to bring me cold water (mum cycled to the rescue doing another lap). Despite needing energy I couldn't face more gels or Isotonic. From that moment on, just 13k into a 42k marathon, I was almost doubling in pain and solely drinking cold water. My body was rejecting all the sugar I had loaded it with.

My lap times got slower. My GPS was not working. I plodded the 3rd lap with Nathan. It was slow and painful (for both of us). I had a wild poo which eased me for a bit. Then I was starving and felt sick because of that. I realised hadn't had any proper solid food bar a small malt load for around 9 hours when I was forcing some overnight oats down my neck on the bike at 8am. Not well played Hollie. You should know better! 

I requested a ham sandwich which Nathan made after our lap together.

Mum took over for the final lap on her bike again and without her I may well still be out there! I just had nothing left. I was angry and muttering to myself about why I couldn't move. It was getting pretty cold and it was getting dark. Mum got me into a rhythm of running between every 2 sets of telegraph poles and walking between 1 set. It worked and then on the final section I was met by my sister and brother in law on their bikes who cheered me up no end. So much so I nearly actually pooed myself and had to run into the field again. My stomach pain was crippling.

I ran past my house for the final time and did the short lap around around the lake. My Dad met me by the bridge in the village around 600m from home and began running in his flip flops with me (I mean could I really call my plod a run by this point?). Anyway, his smile and support as ever meant the world.

Then I heard my friends cheers as home for the final time came in to view. Moments before, just as I started the final section of my lap around the lake on my own, I was crying about missing Dobby so so much and reminding myself why I was doing this. I truly felt I would collapse in tears when I finished. However, teamed with seeing my Dad at the bridge and with my mum alongside me on the bike, when I saw my friends pulling out the IRONMAN banner as my finish line tape for me to run through I just beamed. I was in agony and was totally spent but wow, the feeling of support was overwhelming. 

See my finish line video below (which was a Facebook live of Nathan's). The hugs from my friends, from my Dad who expressed his pride, the hugs from my boys who had been out shouting 'Go Mummy' all day; how can you not be taken aback by that?

Total time (with transitions) 14 hours 10 minutes.

The After

I stayed up after with my friends drinking bubbles, eating nice food, playing Cards Against Humanity until I physically couldn't (my stomach was still wreaking havoc with me).

My body was crying but my head was smiling. As I looked around I realised I am lucky despite not feeling it sometimes. I have got an awesome network around me. I don't have a huge friendship list but the ones I have are true, amazing and would do anything for me, and vice versa. That to me is more than enough. My mum always said you need one handful of friends who you could call in the middle of the night and they would be there, no questions asked. Mum's are so so wise. In fact as I looked around I had more.

Friends new and old were there from all walks of my life, wailing with laughter together and all to see me. That realisation has been one of the most pivotal things that that stupid challenge I set myself has taught me. MY tribe of family and friends.

A 14 hour IRONMAN - not my best but also not my worst (second worst mind)

My hardest? Most definitely.

Would I do it again? Definitely not.

Did I learn something? Yes one being to sort my nutrition out!

Was it worth it? 100%

I made a promise I would do this for me if Wales was cancelled due to COVID.

I made a promise I would raise money for my Dobby. 

Yet again I have proved that this body, whatever size it may be, and stubborn mind can do it, all with a little *ahem* A LOT of help from my friends (and family of course).

An exhausting month

Then all of a sudden it is July.

Things have been tough in June. Not only are we missing Dobby terribly (a house without him still feels so quiet) but I worked for what felt like non-stop. I crammed training in around my 15 hour days to try hit 10-12 hours of training per week. An example of what I was doing was:

• Get home at 22:30
• Treadmill session 
• Straight to bed
• Wake up at 06:30 to get on the bike 
• Leaving for work at 08:30 (Nathan made me a takeaway breakfast & coffee)
• 15 hours out of the house
• Repeat

I went days without seeing the kids properly. All they saw of me was 30 minutes on the bike or treadmill where I can't really be mum and then they see me rush out of the house (and it was ALWAYS a rush). They understand when I was off to work "Mummy's going to work again" and it almost broke me when I heard "I miss mummy at work".

Nathan has been holding the fort at home in Daddy Daycare so his days have also been busy and tiring and he then has to train in the evenings, and try to resist the urge for a much desired beer or wine when the kids go to bed. Never once have I taken for granted how hard it is to be at home all day with the kids (especially with lockdown not being able to go out and entertain them properly). Nathan has been a fantastic Dad during this time and although hard I know he has loved the time he has had with them. Time he has missed out on when working so hard in the kitchens previously. 

It really had been an exhausting month. My busiest work wise yet, which is kind of ironic given at the beginning I thought the pandemic would seriously affect me as a freelancer. I racked up 280 hours of work, 18 hours of commuting and 3500 miles on my car. However, on the flip side we made this choice for me to take advantage of the work available and not say no whilst Nathan is furloughed. Furthermore, I am also aware how lucky I am to be busy with work during the current climate. And although it is full on with the boys I am also aware how lucky we are with the space we have. So yes, I am tired but still humble. I know a lot have it a lot worse.

I have had a few moments where I just want to cry in exhaustion so I am sure you can understand that when my shifts died down at the end of June and new legislation meant 'my happy place' in Devon where we go to every year (sometimes more than once) and where my parents have a caravan, I jumped at the chance to go on a much needed break. A chance to have some family time, a little sea air and to recuperate. 

Wow was it needed. We joined my parents for one night too and it was so lovely to spend some time with them and the boys altogether. The boys amazingly at 3 years old were walking 10km a day of coastal paths! The walks around Sidmouth, Otterton & Budleigh Salterton are simply beautiful.

Cute kids & lush view behind too

Family selfie (the boys are holding hands too)

Walks with 'Nat Nat' & Grandad

I also took a week off the tough training plan to just rest a little (bar a couple of tough coastal runs). I also really needed this. In 4 nights I got 40 hours of sleep. Unfortunately one day was almost a total write off as when I woke up I just couldn't wake up. You know the feeling when you just feel like you cannot get out of bed and this was after a 10 hour sleep! Anyway, I forced myself up and got some breakfast. Whilst sat outside on the deck my vision went blurry in one eye and then I couldn't focus and felt dizzy. Nathan went for a run and I lay down, with the kids just doing their thing around me. Then my left side began going numb, from my face, tongue to my arm & fingers. Then the headache formed which went to a migraine. It was pretty scary and I honestly thought it was a trip to A&E, as if you read all the symptoms on the scaremongering google and do the horrible self-diagnosis then everything was telling me the worst (sight loss, stroke etc) and to go. This was the second episode like this in a week, although this was much more severe. I know it sounds like I should've rushed straight to hospital but about a year ago I used to get this exact thing happen (teamed with sometimes feeling or being sick too) and I went to the doctor who said it was a form of migraine. As is known migraines can be brought on from a lot of things and I believe like a year ago it was due to severe fatigue. I went back to bed when Nathan finished his run and he entertained the kids while I slept for another couple of hours. With the help of that and some painkillers I managed to salvage the rest of the day. I think what this proves is sometimes you just cannot do it all (and yes don't worry I am going back to the doctors to get it checked out properly again). 

Fresh lobster for dinner

Midday wine time

Fun in the arcades

Anyway, during my 5 days off I put on 5lbs, however I gained something extra as well which is even better; invaluable family time I have missed and some much needed sleep. I came back feeling refreshed. There really is something about the sea air. 

However, with just 8 weeks to go until my IRONMAN at home (the chosen date is 5th September) it is back to the training plan. No rest for the wicked and with less shifts coming up it is time to get those final long miles in (and lose those 5lbs...and the rest haha). Oh and I still need to practice my tether pool. I have now bought a snorkel in the hope it'll help keep form meaning I can do the 1 hour I intend to for the IRONMAN. Also despite being a heated pool I am going to wear a wetsuit for extra bouyancy as it is super hard with the tether to stay there for a period of time.

Whilst talking about swimming however I went for my first swim open water in months last week. I did this before work at Liquid Leisure in Windsor. With no lakes around where I live I always have to drive but this was ideal as only 20 minutes from work and I could then get ready for work at Sky who have nice showers etc. in the gym (even if that isn't currently open). 

Anyway, my first swim session did not go as planned. Firstly, I went to the wrong venue after just typing in Liquid Leisure into Google Maps without realising there would be more than one venue called that (luckily it was only 10 minutes to the right one). I had my costume on so just needed to put my wetsuit on. Jesus I forgot how tight they are, hope that's not lockdown weight. Then the zip broke. I pleaded with someone to try and socially distance help me but that failed so I had to take it off, try reattach the zip and struggle to put it on again. No hope, it was done for. It's 8am in the morning, I'm sweating from putting a wetsuit on twice and I have already faffed around getting up early then going to the wrong place. I WAS going in and there were some (albeit a minimal amount) going in without wetsuits. I swam the channel once in a costume (albeit 6 years ago when I had trained my body to cope over months and months of painful acclimatising) surely I could do a swim in a lake without one. I asked one of the ladies working there what was the temperature, "21 degrees. It's lovely. Like a bath. Warmer in than out". Mmmmm...I wasn't so convinced (I like a roasting hot bath) but I hadn't gone there for nothing. 

It took me a few minutes and a lot of 'oooh' and 'ahhhs' especially when I had to take the final push to get my chest and head in but I did it. 2 laps, 2000m and 40 minutes later I got out a nice shade of red but happy. I wasn't aiming for a time, I just wanted to feel the water again and I loved it. I couldn't have done much more without a wetsuit mind as my legs were pretty cold halfway through the second lap. Need to sort a wetsuit out or try somehow fix my lovely one.

Then came my next challenge, changing back into my leggings by the car. Note to self and anyone else; do not put on tight gym leggings after swimming when you have to change outside! I was lucky I had my DryRobe (essentially a huge oversized anorak with warm towelling/fluff inside to keep you warm and dry) that I got when did the aforementioned channel. I also of course forgot a towel. I am sure some of the new arrivals at the lake got a nice full moon during my struggles but lesson learnt. I REALLY need to practice my open water routine again.

One positive out of it all is I didn't have a sopping wetsuit in the back of my car all day whilst I was at work. Every cloud eh?!

Think I'll go on the Water Ninja UK next time instead

One final thing to update on. As some may know my run has always been the discipline to let me down. I think I can honestly say I never got much better because well I never liked it so I never spent the time on it. I may have gone from a 6hour marathon to a 4h20 but I have never gone faster than that out of lack of practice. I knew then and I know now even more, you have to work harder on your weaknesses than your strengths sometimes. With the treadmill at home and due to my lifestyle having to do most of my runs at home either late at night or early morning I signed up for a 16 week half marathon speed increasing training plan on my virtual bike & run training platform Zwift. It has kept me structured and focused on running 3-4 times a week with different workouts; tempo, interval, long & recovery. 

Two weeks ago there was a 5k test to assess where I was at. With this time it then alters the speeds at which I should hit each session. I managed to do a 20 minute 26 second 5k (average of 9.1mph) which to me is out of this world. I was a 40 minute 5k jogger when I first started, now despite wanting to be sick this was groundbreaking for me. I know it is MUCH easier on a flat treadmill and I could never replicate this outside at the moment I am still pleased of my progression. For someone who has never looked like a runner, and even now after losing 2.5 stone since the beginning of the year, I am still not a lean athlete, I think it's quite good going for a 'fluffy' runner. My heartrate too is something I am happy with to show my fitness. Even for just a jog I would be 180+ bpm, now going as fast as I can for 5k and under 160bpm average is also unreal for me. 

I will make a runner out of me yet. It's also made me realise if you run, at whatever pace you ARE a runner and shouldn't feel otherwise. Remember, you're still beating those sat on the sofa!

Until next time!

Hollie xxx

With Great Responsibility comes Great Power

It has been nearly 2 weeks now since we lost our lovely Dobby. There are so many raw emotions flowing around still and whilst we have smiled and laughed it is normally followed by tears. This was definitely the case the other night when Nathan and I had a great night, drinking and eating some lovely homemade food and then we just sat and cried together after, pouring through pictures and videos of our precious pug. Nathan apologising to me again, taking all the blame and responsibility himself and bearing that pain too. Put simply, this isn't something that is going to get better quickly.

I still miss the stupid pug so so much. I miss him greeting me when I come home from work. I miss his little whine for me. I miss waking up in the morning without him (which I was always very aware of as he was either lying on my head/pillow or by/on my legs). I miss him lying and watching me while I trained on the bike or treadmill. I miss him just chilling on the sofa or cuddling up to me in the evenings when watching TV (so much so I am just going to bed early).

I still forget too. When I walk back in the house I go to say 'Hello Dobby'. When the postman comes or we go out the door and he isn't coming I still say 'stay Dobby', just to ensure he doesn't run out (although he never would go far as I mentioned before, just a tiny dash of excited freedom to the gravel outside). Everything in our house has something pug related on the wall. Both doors we use to enter the house are greeted with pictures saying "Home is where the pug is". 

When the reality does hit it is a desperately sad reminder of what we are missing. Our home does feel lonely without Dobby, even with two crazy 3 year old's running around! That shows how much Dobby was part of our family.

James however did something amazing the other day and it has reminded me how precious, kind and intuitive children can be. I was gifted a lovely pug teddy from a lady in the village. I can heat up the beans inside so they are warm and smell of lavender. Her thought being I could get some sleep and have a warm hug, such a kind and thoughtful gift. It has lived on my bed since and despite being nearly 30 I have cuddled it every night in bed. Whilst I was on the treadmill the other day James went upstairs and got 'Teddy Dobby'. At first I was angry he had touched what he knew was mummy's, but then he placed it on the floor next to the treadmill and said, "There you go Mummy". He knew Dobby lay next to me, like my shadow when I ran or biked. Cue the hot tears welling in my eyes (which is pretty hard to let lose when trying to run a Tempo run at 8.7mph!). My boys simply are the best.

'Teddy Dobby' keeping me company while I train

It hurts like a knife in the chest when the boys ask, "Where is Dobby?" who are now missing his company and playfulness. James particularly loved Dobby and was forever chasing him around. In fact the last video we have is of Dobby jumping in and out of the paddling pool with James egging him on to do it again and again (see video below). We have been honest with them however and said he has gone to 'Night Nights' in heaven and not coming home. As the story above of Teddy Dobby proves, even at 3 they are much cleverer than we sometimes care to think so honesty was the best, albeit hard, way.

I am exhausted from working so hard at work, and I know I am lucky to be busy with work during the current times but my work is long and tiring let alone with kids, & grief. As well as that I am in a new technical department so learning so much every single day that my brain sometimes feels fried. I am also exhausted from keeping 'the face' on. The face I have perfected over the years to pretending everything is OK. Thanks to some understanding bosses and colleagues I did take 2 days off this week to try recuperate a little and have some family time. It was much needed but am now back on a 6 day straight.

Some family time

 

I am however reading, well listening, to a great book, which I implore everyone to read, "The subtle art of not giving a Fuck" which is changing my mindset. I always listen to audiobooks during my commute and now I have listened to all the Harry Potter's (twice over) this is my latest. In here the author Mark Manson talks about what you should try to give a fuck about and explains how everything that happens to you, be it a tragedy or accident YOU alone are responsible for how you react. YOU are responsible for everything that happens in your life. Nobody else. A pity party is good for nobody. 

 After we lost Rosie, I drowned myself in bottle after bottle for the first year which clearly did me no benefit, let alone those around me. However, for those who know my story, I then made some good by honouring her by taking responsibility for my own happiness. I had to find a way to function again. I quit my job, I moved to Lanzarote and ultimately I completed my promise by qualifying and completing Kona. This is the type of thing Mark is on about. Only YOU can be responsible for YOU and your values.

Yes to some 'it is just a dog' but this has affected me, but like before I will not go to the end of the bottle(s) again (that said I am NO quitter haha). I could be disheartened and demotiavated that IRONMAN Wales, my only race this year, has inevitably been postponed due to COVID. I could have taken that as the final nail in the coffin so to speak. But no, I am sticking to another promise I made myself and doing this at home instead.

I will struggle with losing Dobby for some time to come. The sheer missing him, to the guilt and then the flashbacks and thoughts of his final moments. However, although I am still crying during or after every training session at the moment I am training again (after a few days off). I am pushing through the anger and devastation to do something positive.

I have decided to try raise a little money for dog related charities in the process so if you could spareanything please do take a look at my fundraising page. It truly would mean so so much to me.

No pity party here. Acknowledge I am not going to be OK and my smile may be fake behind it all but I am still here, still pushing and taking responsibility in a positive way. As Manson also states in his book the quote, "With Great Power comes Great Responsibility" (yes from Spiderman) would be better when switched to "With Great Responsibility comes Great Power". I could not agree more.

Hollie xx 

Do I not deserve happiness?

Firstly I had meant for the next blog to be a lot sooner, and a lot nicer. However, sadly that is not the case. So for those who do know why (of which there aren't many) here is the how. For those who don't know why, here is both.

My last blog had a good tone to it. I said how content I felt with my life. I was happy with what I had in it and in fact felt I had found pure happiness. I had everything under control, I was working a lot but was happy with that. I had a balance and had training on track. What life seems to show (me more than most it feels sometimes) is how quickly things can change.

In fact after a day of putting "the face" on (a skill I have become quite good at over the years) at work yesterday I finished and switched off to drive home. (It really is hard keeping up appearances sometimes). It was then I bumped into a friend as I was leaving who said quite honestly that I looked drained. I told him why and shock hit his face, "Are you cursed?". It has made me question, am not worthy or deserving of any happiness? Every time I seem to find peace with everything, or find a way to cope and be happy I am thrown something else (and I am kind of over being told only the strong are challenged or whatever the quote says). 

On Monday I went to work on an early shift. I finished and left work in London at 4pm. As I was driving home I had a call from Nathan saying, "Don't freak out but I can't find Dobby (our pug puppy). I'm going to start looking". Of course I did start freaking out. I called my sister, my niece pleading for their help. I pulled over and posted on our local Facebook site pleading if anyone had seen a pug around the village. People who I knew directly, indirectly and not at all began to help. The post was shared, the local dog wardens were alerted and before long a search party was in motion for my baby boy.

As I was driving home I was totally distracted and just urging to get home quickly in order to join in the search effort. Dobby would come to my voice surely if scared and hiding somewhere. He was also only a pug after all - how far could he get? I called Nathan every 5 minutes in search of an update. I remember saying to him to desperation, "I need that pug".

It didn't make sense though. Dobby wasn't the type of dog to see an open door and just take himself on a walk. Even if we left the front door open he wouldn't make a dash for it. Even if he wanted to have an explore he would soon be back as knew where his bread was buttered. My thoughts obviously went to passing cars had he ventured to exploring on the road.

As I drove through our village to home I began thinking where he could be if he had decided to explore. He loved lying in our pond when hot and on walks would have a little wander down to the lake to get a drink and wade in on the lead when too hot to get some respite. Maybe he had done that and got swept away? So my idea was to follow the river on my walk to see if that was a good hunch.

I parked up and ran out of the car. The boys screamed "Mummy's home" totally unaware of the anguish ensuing around them. I forced a small, fake smile. I began to take my heels off to get my trainers on when I saw Nathan striding towards me, dead pan, "We've found him". I wanted to say great, but I knew from his face it wasn't good. I was asking where, lets go! "Hollie, STOP! He was in the pool". 

At that point the blood chilling scream I had used once before in my life when Larry (my other pug) died suddenly at my feet, just a year previous, bellowed out of my mouth. The boys stared, worried what had happened to Mummy. I rocked on the stairs not knowing what to do. Phoebe, my 12 year old niece, came in and said, "His ear. His ear moved". There may be a chance. I ran out.

The pool is an overground pool in my parents garden which is next door to us and accessible from our garden through a gate. The scene I saw was my precious pug, nearly rigid being resuscitated. My sister was there screaming and my Dad was stood there too. My mum came back from golf at one point and I heard her scream too. However, my eyes were on Dobby. I was on the floor praying, pleading for him to come back. I think I knew deep down the second I saw him however that he was gone and there really was no hope.

Eventually the mouth to mouth ceased and my screams of pain were probably filling all the gardens around us. I was in shock, disbelief and in so much pain. Numbness engulfed me and I needed 2 people to drag me into my parents house. People came in to see me but I just saw through them. I couldn't speak, not even to Nathan. How did this happen?

Finally, I just walked away. I said nothing and just went to bed. It was around 6pm. I drifted in and out of sleep. In and out of the nightmare that was being awake. 

That is also when the haunting images began, mainly of him helpless in the pool. Desperate for help. My gorgeous pug that had given me so much adoration and happiness, slowly losing his grip.

Then the anger. How long had he been there? How long does it take for a dog to drown? Why hadn't I thought of it? Especially as I knew he loved water and wouldn't go too far from home. Why hadn't anybody thought of that? Why wasn't it checked? Why wasn't he seen? Where was everyone to not see him? Why Dobby? Why me?

Then the embarrassment. The shame. Everybody who knows me obviously knows how much I adored Dobby and I would never do him any harm, EVER, he was my boy. To drown in the garden next door, my parents garden in fact. That was unfathomable. Would we be judged as dog owners even if this, as I have been reminded again and again, was a tragic, horrible accident? He was only 11 months old.

I didn't talk to Nathan for another day. I didn't eat. I had so many questions, yet I also had no words. I couldn't stop crying. Nathan took the blame, the responsibility as well as all the hurt he was going through and then mine too. Yet I couldn't talk to him. There were however things we had to talk about. Where would we lay him to rest? My parents spoke about getting rid of the pool, asked me if that's what I wanted. A pool that has given us, moreover the boys and the children in the family, so much joy. Of course I could not deny anyone of that pleasure but it would take a while until I could sit merrily around it again. Four days since it happened I can't look at it and avert my eyes from seeing it out of my bedroom window when opening or closing the curtains.

On the Tuesday, the day after, I did go to work. Mainly because I hate letting people down and being an early shift I had left it too late not to (I didn't text anybody at work until 10pm). I did however make a plan to leave early to 'deal' with everything I had to at home; like burying Dobby. I warned everyone I was going to see at work I wouldn't be able to say much and as I expected I buried my head in between cries until I left. I couldn't respond to anything.

When I walked in from work I cried into Nathan and he said we had to find a place. My sister had kindly taken the boys. I said how much he loved lying in the pond, as I mentioned before he would lie in it when hot after a walk, so I wanted it near there. Ironically he loved the water, that was the horrible reality. Nathan nodded and then began digging a 4 foot hole while I went back to the bedroom, shut the curtains and put my ear plugs in to not hear the pounding of my baby's grave being dug. It did remind me however of the scene from Harry Potter where Harry decides to dig a grave for Dobby the House Elf himself without magic. When I had thought about it briefly alone earlier in the day I was adamant I wanted to get him cremated and have him in a box alongside Larry in the house. However given his name and the tie to Harry Potter burying him in his home and in the garden he loved so much felt like the right thing to do.

I was actually quite impressed with the efforts Nathan put in to digging that grave. It was no easy feat and took a good 2 hours of hard graft on his own. The emotions he must've felt digging his own puppy's grave too. The first smirk we raised together in what felt like days was when he showed me it, I saw just how deep it was and said, "Well you've always been good at digging holes". (Anyone who knows Nathan will understand what I mean by that - he has a way of not thinking before he talks sometimes!).

When the boys went to bed I had a final cuddle with Dobby and again I had to be held to get him to where we were to lay him. My mum had asked if she could put their old much loved dogs in the grave with him. Some friends, siblings to play with. Mum had carefully suggested earlier in the day I put Larry with them and I denied, adamant I wanted Larry in the house with us still. I wasn't ready for that too. However, at last minute it felt right that Larry be with them all. I got Dobby's bed to place him in (I had picked him up in it so only right he go to sleep for the final time in it), and then placed his favourite donut toy and my slippers he used to chew when a little puppy alongside his little body. Then I walked back inside while Nathan and my Dad filled the hole up. I will in time find the perfect headstone/plaque to put there for them. All of them now on rainbow bridge playing until we meet again.

I don't need to explain my love to Dobby to anyone. The adoration and what that dog did for me emotionally doesn't need words really. He was my best mate. He would pine in happiness (as many dogs do to greet their owners) when I walked through the door (although Nathan admits he never did it as much for him as he did me - he was my boy). He slept on my pillow with me at night, he followed me to the toilet, he watched me when I trained in the gym. When I returned from a night shift he would hear me pull in, woke up and waited at the end of the bed until I came up. Then he would continue to sleep with me when the normal wake up routine resumed for Nathan and the boys. He made me laugh, smile and was a perfect dog around the kids. I was never lonely and with huge boots to fill in Larry he did it effortlessly. Pugs to me have the most wonderful characters and are the most well-natured, loving, loyal dogs you could wish for and Dobby showed this perfectly. I just wanted so much more time with him. 

I have thoughts of how it happened, (well they’ve played in my head over and over). The gate was left open accidentally and he went to explore next door. Not totally out of the ordinary as he probably considered it a second garden. Why he decided to climb up onto the pool we'll never know. How is also another wonder as it’s high and only small steps to climb. He never had any interest in the pool before. I believe when he did climb up he went to walk on the cover, slipped and got covered by it himself so when Nathan, my Dad and the builders (who were on the roof at my parent's house) could not see him struggling. Yes it was an accident but the guilt is felt by all. Moreover, we have always been cautious of the pool, my parents more than most. Normally the gate between our houses is bolted, the stairs are removed, there is a harder cover on, it was a momentary lapse where normal practices were eased, but this could have been a child. It could have been one of our boys. It does not take long. It has made us all acutely aware and scared as well as deeply upset as to what has actually happened. A sobering thought amongst all the other pain.

The memories of Dobby's death and the images that float into my head about his final moments will haunt me for the rest of my days. The amazing memories I have with him will also stay too however. It is just a will of the mind to try and see the good over the bad (however, this is the mind we are talking about and we all know how hard that can be to actually have control of sometimes). I adored and still do adore that dog. He was perfect. I don't expect everyone to understand the horrific grief I am going through. I understand non-dog lovers/owners will never truly 'get it' and that's fine too; just understand I am hurt. Yes, I have been through worse in Rose dying, but this is going to take some time. My mind is fighting at the moment. I miss him, a lot. He was part of the family and that loss is felt everytime I walk through the door, go to bed without him, go for a walk (which I am not ready for yet), have the boys ask me, "Where's Dobby" (which makes my heart sink) or even think about him and in turn the circumstances. I've had part of the family taken away tragically, suddenly and that is the only way to explain it. 

The love I have felt from those who have sent me wishes, flowers and cards, means more than I can say, so thank you. Please understand from this blog why I haven't responded to questions of how personally. Thank you also to the kindness of strangers; including the family in the village who sent me flowers, also explaining how their little girls cried when they found out as they loved seeing Dobby in our garden when they walked past on their way the park. Thank you also to my lovely pug mum friend Katie who was the only person I felt I could tell at the beginning, who has kept checking in on me and who also a sent me the kindest gift and words. Thank you to my family for just being you, especially my sister, another pug mum who can relate to the loss. Thank you also to all those locally who poured out to search for Dobby and for the lady who tried futilely to resuscitate him. The outcome is as someone put "any dog owners worst nightmare" when the news had to be shared on the post asking for help but thank you for everything everyone did. It is not forgotten.

I haven't posted on social media directly what has happened and neither will I. The love has gone for that platform for now. However I am sharing it here for those who are interested in me and maybe want to know what happened without me having to heave my heart to tell it again and again, exposing the grief and more namely the guilt I feel.

I am sorry we let you down Dobby. You were and are so so loved and missed.

RIP Dobby: 15.07.2019 - 08.06.2020

       

Opportunities & focus

Wow, it's been nearly 2 months since my last blog update! Time in lockdown is flying. It has to be said that my lockdown is very different to many as I am still working, and despite the worries on my previous blog, it is a lot. Still with 12 hour days, excluding travel which is minimum 1hr15 each way and includes silly early shifts and nights.

To briefly explain, at Sky, as I have mentioned before, I am a freelancer and work on 3 different floors, in 5 different departments throughout Sky News and Sky Sports News. Shortly after the COVID 19 outbreak Sky made a rule that all staff are only able to work on 1 floor to try and contain the virus and meaning if there was an outbreak only one floor would need be closed down, not 5. Now this didn't really affect full time staff as they already have a 'home floor', it merely meant they couldn't travel to other floors to get different food or meet up with others. For freelancers like myself however it meant we had to make a choice of department(s) essentially. With all sport being cancelled I lost my sports shifts so there was no point working on those floors. Trying to cut a long, somewhat complicated story short, I decided on the 2nd floor in the Sky News newsroom where I was able to do 2 positions.

NOC 

This was going well, I was getting steady shifts but all booked a short time in advance due to the unprecedented circumstances; not normally a way I like to work. Most freelancers, or anyone, would ideally like to know when and how much they're working in order to make a plan financially. My boss however has been great, honouring shifts were possible and trying to ensure we had work still. Just prior to COVID however I got trained up in my 5th department; NOC (Network Operation Centre). Very loosely it is an engineering department that deals with getting everything into the building (it is a department that deals with satellite angles etc. and I'm sure you could work there for years and still learn something every day!). Anyway, they are based on the 4th floor, which given the 'home floor' rule meant I was not able to do the shifts I had confirmed in there. However, I then bumped into (a socially distanced bump of course) the manager from their department and was offered the opportunity to move, if I wanted to. What was important to me when considering this (and I did have to consider it due to the opportunity) was that it didn't impact my relationship with my other boss. Due to COVID the demands in NOC have got higher. An already busy department then became even more so with the increase in virtual guests (via Skype & Zoom mainly) who all have to be contacted and made ready for air by a NOC engineer. With no guests allowed in the studio now it is the only real way to have guests on a show. Sometimes this can be 7-8 calls per hour and that's on top of everything else. So extra people are needed and I found myself in demand. It was therefore an opportunity to go out of my comfort zone to a new, very busy department. Once I had established I wouldn't affect my relationship with my boss on the 2nd floor (as I can still work for them on the 4th floor in 2 of my other roles) the decision was made. I had to have a week off to isolate and now the 4th floor is my home floor. On my second day as a NOC engineer, in which I had one of the busiest 2 hours of my life before and after Boris' address on Sunday, I excitingly set up a live with Marcus Wareing. This was much to the jealousy of my husband Nathan, for whom Marcus is a huge inspiration.

Chatting to Marcus Wareing before he went on Sky News live to talk about COVID and the hospitality industry

Making this switch has meant I am already working a lot more and taking every shift offered to me. With Nathan being furloughed from his Waitrose Cookery School in Salisbury for the foreseeable he is at home being Daddy daycare.

So now I am juggling an extra increase in work alongside my desire to keep up my 10 hours of training per week in prep for IRONMAN Wales. This is something I am managing to do with lots of careful planning and also having Nathan's support, who also is getting in around 7 hours training per week. Last week in fact we both rode 140k on our indoor bikes. This took us around 6.5 hours to do due to the ridiculous climbing involved and meant we took it in turn each day to complete it. This has been our longest ride in a long long time (me probably since Kona 2015 and Nathan IM Lanza in 2015). We both managed to do it well and felt surprisingly fine after which is testament to the training we have and are putting in. We then also ran an half marathon each on the treadmill when taking part in an the IRONMAN virtual 1/2 IM both smashing our PB's (even if they were inside with no elevation).  As well as this next week (when I am off night shifts) I am aiming to do 105 miles (170k) in one go too on the same indoor set up.

Obviously the debate amongst registered IRONMAN Wales athletes is the "will it won't it go ahead?", especially given the various other race cancellations we have already seen. However, it was during my 140k bike that I decided I would do an IRONMAN at home on the same day regardless, even if Wales does not go ahead in September. I am training as if it is going ahead in Tenby but if it doesn't I have the same goal. My aim is to do the 3.8k swim as a tethered pool swim (which I set up last week and is bloody hard by the way - see below for a video), the 180k inside on Zwift and then the marathon either 4 x 10k loops outside or possible mixing this with a bit on the treadmill. Who knows by then I may even be able to get a little support crew at mine too! Just need to sort that finishing tape (it would be the first time and only time I would lift one and be the winner for sure haha).

Also during my week off when isolating from the 2nd floor we managed to sort and complete our home gym/shrine room which now is one of our favourite rooms in the house and made it much more enjoyable to train in. A room to be proud of.

As you can see I am lucky to still be working and be motivated during this time. I don't understand but I do know how hard it is for people during this lockdown. I miss my friends and family terribly but I have a lot of love around me and am very fortunate. All I can say is to try and focus on something to see you through and keep up the chatting albeit virtually (we hosted a virtual family quiz the other night and it was so fun). I am really focusing on my training and enjoying spending extra time with my immediate family. Long walks, cuddles and naps on the sofa and cake making. This family time also includes seeing Nathan every night, which is great as he cooks all the time now, but which also still feels like a huge novelty. Maybe our 4 years of living like ships in the night is being rewarded slightly, even if under such strange and daunting circumstances. In fact as you can tell from the tone of this blog I am actually feeling more positive than ever, which is a weird feeling to feel during these times. Maybe it has given me that much needed reset? A reset to focus on what really means the most to me, what I want and what makes me truly happy?

The rainbow at the local school

VE Day matching clothes

On a long family walk - something we do every day when I'm off now

Finally, despite my increase in wine consumption as Nathan is home every night (yes I blame him haha) my weight is still going down. I am finally seeing some results from my hard work. I am eating clean and feel great for it and despite Nathan cooking majority of the time now I am being strict with what I am allowing him to add (no butter will pass these lips haha). I have a long way to go until I get to where I want to be but with 2.5 stone gone, the only way is down!

Take care and stay safe all! Much love xxx