Keep you, you

We are in scary times. I, like the majority of people, cannot stop thinking about what is happening to our world. I also cannot escape it. I am considered a keyworker (which thankfully does help the childcare woes I was so worried about in my previous blog) so am still coming to work whenever shifts are offered. (This may be subject to change but at the moment I have cover). However, working at Sky News obviously means I am all consumed with my worries at home and then surrounded by all things COVID 19 when working.

This has meant that training has become yet again my refuge. Exercise, and when asleep, is probably the only time I properly switch off. Yes IRONMAN Wales, and all the lead up events, may well be cancelled, I am well aware of that but I am training as if I am still racing. It is good for my mental health and well being and quite frankly I am enjoying the escape and seeing my fitness grow. It is giving me a focus and I am also loving watching the weight fall and the fitness scale on Training Peaks increase. It's an obsession but at least it's a healthy one.

Swim for Tri swim set water bottles

Also as expected the gyms closed last week so that is no more gym sessions and most notably no more swimming for the foreseeable future. This is super annoying more because I got delivery of my new water bottles from 'Swim for Tri' on Friday. These are awesome and have a variety of swim sets on them for varying distances. No more taking a shoddy hand written piece of paper to the pool folded in a plastic sleeve which becomes crinkled, wet and eventually useless! Great idea Dan. Get yours ready for some motivation when the pools eventually reopen here.

The gym closing is a huge blow but I understand why wholeheartedly. However, with some careful planning I can still get my 10-12 hour per week training in. My turbo and virtual training world Zwift is becoming my best friend. I also live in the middle of the countryside so lots of rural runs and then I have my treadmill and weights at home too. I have it good and know I am in this sense lucky and therefore have no excuses!

Luckily as well the swim isn't something I am the most concerned about. I know I can swim that distance when asked. I won't be as fast with some months out and nowhere near my peak, but I am lucky that my confidence in the water will not be drastically affected. My focus when training this year has always been on my bike and run anyway.

Actually the only other time I do totally switch off to Coronavirus is when I'm driving. I am currently working my way through the Harry Potter audiobooks and getting totally absorbed in them. They also help the tiredness I do feel during my super early and super late commute times, even after night shifts. Stephen Fry's narrating keeping me super focused and intrigued (despite knowing the stories all too well) as opposed to sleepy. I really get transported to their world yet again and even enjoy my time in the car now.

Cake baking

My advice to anyone going through self-isolation for whatever reason, and with a 3 month lock-down potentially on the horizon, is to find these things that make you able to switch off. It is going to be hard mentally and financially for I believe 6 months, maybe more. Then there is the economy to try and recover. Hard working parents are now with their children 24/7 and it goes without saying keeping them entertained and yourself sane is a hard thing to do! I had the boys all this week while nursery was closed whilst also juggling work and training; it was exhausting! I did however keep them busy as much as I could. Cake making, walks and buggy runs.

On a 9 mile run and meeting 'horseys'

No words

I think it is mutually agreed with most parents, in fact not even just parents, maybe as a nation, I drank more than normal this week! Thankfully the alcohol aisle doesn't seem to be affected by the stock hoarding idiots. Well, I lie, the beer aisle was incredibly low apart from cases of Corona! One word; MORONIC. I drink wine and gin so didn't affect me personally but did grab some for the husband who loves a Corona. I couldn't actually believe it when I heard a rumour that Corona had lost billions due to the virus. Do people really think they're related?!

Anyway, I have reigned myself in when I wanted to grab the bottle on a couple of occasions this week and I went training instead. My relationship with alcohol will not go backwards. I am in a good place and in control. COVID will NOT affect the positives I do have.

During this time remember to check in on your friends. Arrange Skype or Facetime calls, have a glass of wine at the ready. Send stupid meme's, videos and jokes to keep up morale (like the ones below and above). I know Sam would be sending me hundreds of these if she were still here! Remember to talk to those at home too - communication is vital. We are all in this together!

Keep focused and most importantly keep safe everyone. Keep you, you and take care of your mental health. I'll hopefully see some of you in person soon but for now I'll hopefully see you on here! xx

Down but not out (F*** You Covid)

Quite apt I feel, especially as I work in journalism

One of the final statements in my previous blog was about being so excited about going back to Lanzarote for an epic 10 days of solo training. I think it is pretty obvious given worldwide developments this is now not happening. Lanzarote is currently in lockdown until 30th March; I was due to fly on the 27th. It goes without saying I am absolutely gutted, devastated in fact. I know it is just a holiday but this truly felt like so much more. A real treat to actually get away alone and really rack up a 20 hour + training week. I know moaning on here isn't going to solve the situation or make for enjoyable reading. I also know others are facing very similar situations and as I keep telling myself there are always people worse off than me. I am just very upset about it and at the moment not sure if there is a way to reschedule. I had been looking forward to if for months and months. But I know it is out of my control and as one of my favourite sayings goes; "control the controllable". I have had a cry about it, but despite being down I am not out.

Obviously the 20 hour + training week I had planned is not going to happen. This is not being negative, it is realistic way of thinking. Everything that could have gone wrong at this present time has. Sky has had a floor by floor isolation/lock down. As I mentioned in my previous blog I work in 5 different departments in Sky News & Sky Sports, with each department on a different floor. So now I am only able to work on one floor, and one department, thus affecting my shifts. I am only allowed one "home" floor. Throw into the mix that there isn't much, if any, sport to be covering in the coming weeks is another dimension to my potential lack of work. Being a freelancer and self employed I do not have the safety net of a contract like staff do. The Sky gym which I also love so much, most namely for its Peloton bikes, is also now closed. It's almost ironic as everything I wrote about how my work life works for me is being contradicted through recent events.

Then to top it all off my nursery has closed due to the owners husband having a cough. With Covid 19 not being a notifiable disease businesses are unable to claim on insurance meaning we have to continue paying full rate despite not having the service. Obviously this hugely affects me as not only do I now not have cover for work but given I may also have no work in April we also have to pay for full childcare and quite frankly without the work the funds don't add up. Talk about a catch 22. It is a really worrying time but we are all in this together.

Then there is the affect it has on my training. Obviously I have to plan even more around Nathan's shifts and do my training either with the boys (can do a buggy run if weather is OK) or early mornings and late evenings at home. Our local gym at present is also still open so if the opportunity arises I will go, especially to swim.

On a nice 8 mile walk with my sister in law this week who is training for a 26 mile walk for charity in July

I am lucky to be enjoying virtual cycling on the platform Zwift with my turbo trainer at home at the moment and do have a good set up with a treadmill at home too. Currently they have some races and group rides on with the Watopia Tour 2020 (Watopia is the name of the virtual land and relates to wattage/Watt which is a unit of power to quantify energy). Here you can join in group rides or go all out in a race against hundreds across the world. I did the latter the other day and really did go all out - coming 12th out of 110 people, first female, and top 8% of my age group. It was a 14.3mile loop which I did in just over 32 minutes; an average pace of 26mph. It has to be said I nearly fell off the bike afterwards and when Nathan did it 2 days later I also beat his time by 41 seconds (not competitive at all and of course I was very humble by bragging “you got chicked by your wife!” Haha). I also did an 8 mile double buggy run the other day so I can get out and run. The only difficulty now is that the boys are considerably heavier now, weighing in around 6 stone together. Where I live is not flat either, but one positive it'll only make me stronger! As well as this, as they are bigger and much more active than last year (where I pushed them lots when training for the London Marathon). Thus meaning their attention span being sat in a buggy is a lot shorter. I spent a lot of the run talking to them, or singing Old McDonalds farm or pretending to run away from Dinosaurs in the woods!

All of this however, just proves that despite being in this testing situation I can still get enjoyment from my training and ensure I can continue to get the hours in. As my last blog aptly states, it is all about adaption and I now, more than ever, need to follow my own advice.

My boys making me smile

With all these obstacles I am still aiming for another 11-12 hour training week (I hit 11h30 last week). I haven't had the boys for a solid week alone with no childcare since before they were 6 months old; give me strength! Haha. That said I am going to enjoy the time I do have with my lovely boys. They really are the best and they, more than anything, make my life worthwhile and smile throughout it all. Just today they got a banana and began a little surprise whilst I was looking away and put fake candles from their wooden birthday cake into the banana. Then holding it together they began walking towards me beaming and singing happy birthday to me. It is not my birthday, that has long gone, but it was just so beautiful. All of the current restrictions is to protect innocence such as this, so lets look after one another other and stay healthy.

My weigh in today also revealed I am 1 stone 11.5lbs down from 1st Jan which is over 10% of my body weight. I am still a way to go from my ideal race weight but I am getting there and every week I am feeling more confident in my own skin. With my fitness stats also going up I am also having more confidence in my ability too. In fact I also did a boditrax weighing the other day (which scans you to find a precise body composition) and it found I was 22/24 muscle; the average person's score is 12. So I am clearly solid and growing as the last time I did the scan a month ago I have gone up 3 points!

As I mentioned before, we are in testing times, but I am down not out!

Proper planning, adaption and still living my life

Well my first 10h30 training week went really well and proves that with proper planning, preparation and motivation it is possible alongside my long and rather unpredictable work. I only say unpredictable as I am freelance which therefore means I can have weeks I am working solidly going from late to earlies to nights with a day turnaround, to other weeks I may have nothing. It all equals out by the end of the month normally but I am not guaranteed a certain amount of shifts per month. Despite the uncertainty (which some months can leave me worried) there is a huge beauty to this in that I get the weekday times off meaning I can get long sessions in when the boys are at nursery. As well as this I have a degree of flexibility of being able to work when I want/can. I also now work in 5 different departments around Sky News and Sky Sports News which gives me a great variety. Obviously the downsides are pretty apparent, I don't get holiday or sick pay but it is working for us (in it's weird and wonderful way).

The boys having fun at my Mum & Dad's while we work

The week after this one however was not so great and I didn't hit anywhere near 10 hours. In fact only managed around 5. Strangely this also wasn't relatable to how much work I had on. The week I managed the 10h30 I had 4 shifts, a mix of one night (19:00-07:00), 2 lates (10:00-22:00) and 1 early (06:00-18:00). (These timings are shift start & finish times, not including my 1.5 hour commute each way).

In fact a way to show how much I was out of the house during the Friday-Sunday stint of days is that I didn't see the boys for 2 days despite them obviously being at home. I put them to bed on the Thursday night and didn't see them until Saturday night where I saw them for 1 hour before putting them to bed once again. I then didn't see them until Monday morning when they woke up. I really do miss those little monkey's during stints like this (which sadly are quite common) but also makes me think how weird it is that despite being in the same house this can happen. It really shows you (even if it would take too long and be insanely boring to explain) how difficult it can be to work out childcare around my long shifts and Nathan's work.

However, back to the second week (week commencing 2nd March). I had noticed after my 9 mile run the previous week my shins were really hurting. It was excruciating to run and as a result I adapted my training and did a lot more on the bike. I ran through the pain on a 6 miler 2 days after but knew it wasn't wise. So I booked a physio appointment for the following week. I have always had issues when I run with my back too so it was an excuse to finally get that properly looked at. She put the shin pain to unsupportive/old trainers and has given me exercises, including some specific core and breathing work, to try and help my back whilst running. Improving my core stability is something I know I have needed to do for a while so this is a great addition to my training; strength and conditioning is such an pivotal part to any plan. 



What overpronation looks like

With the knowledge that my trainers were possibly the cause of my pain I was recommended to go and get a run/gait analysis and get trainers that suited me. I know I overpronate quite significantly (my foot rolls inwards into the arch) and as such have had orthotics (insoles made by a podiatrist) for many years but I wasn't quite prepared to see how unnatural and painful my running looked in my current trainers (I was filmed on a treadmill).

I have used OnCloud for many years, doing all but one of my IRONMAN's in them so I like a lighter style trainer. However, my analysis showed I overpronated by 15% (the expected range is 3-6%). He found this by freezing the footage of each leg when I strike the bottom and calculated the degree against the 90 degree angle from my knee. After trying on 7 pairs of trainers I found some Brooks which amazingly put me in the 3% range. These give me the support I need but have that light feel to them (very different to some of the high support trainers that felt like I was running with bricks on my feet). I knew instantly upon testing these they were the ones. 

I cannot believe after all the years I have done fitness I have never done this sort of test and been so blind. I cannot knock On's trainers enough, after all they have done me well, but clearly they are not the trainer for me. At least not now as I do feel throughout the companies growth they have changed how they are made; and maybe not for the better for me personally. I hope however my new trainers (which already feel awesome) teamed with a good focus on S&C can improve my running for the better going forward. It is well known that running is my least favourite and slowest discipline but I don't want it to let me down for something I can control.

My new trainers teamed with Greepers laces

The rest of the week was actually spent having some social time. I am determined to still live my life despite training for IRONMAN. Whilst I am taking my training seriously it is still a hobby and it is supposed to be fun! I saw one of my best friends for lunch one day, sorted my trainers another, and then at the weekend just gone we all stayed the weekend in Essex some friends. I of course had some drinks and not let the training consume me; I do find it quick to switch off but have to say I am happy to be back on it this week. (I also think the extra day of unplanned rest may have also done my shins some good). Katie and I decided to start our weight loss journey together and check in on each other each week when we weigh in. Considering we have lost over 3 stone between us since 1st January we definitely deserved to have a little celebration together. Luckily the exercise has been helping as this weekend hasn't affected the scales too much, in fact I am still down from last week.

It all got too much fun at the pub

Dinner time at the zoo

I am now on a 3 week countdown until I return to Lanzarote for 10 days of training...with no children (and no husband)! I want to be fit enough to do the island and my training justice as well as lose a little more weight before going. It goes without saying I am SO excited for this trip especially as I'm staying at the triathlon mecca Club La Santa. Aside from all that I can't wait to get some sun (but I better stop gloating too much as Nathan will get even more jealous). I have no idea how I've even got away with this trip but serious brownie husband points and also a hell of a lot of thanks to my mum for helping look after the boys while Nathan continues to work!

Oh and after 10+ years of dying my hair bleach blonde I have decided to join the dark side! The maintenance of doing so finally got to me. I still give myself a shock when looking in the mirror at the moment but change is good.

This week I am going for another 10 hour + training week. Have a good one.

Hollie xx

Doing it all. Anything is possible if you want it enough

Wow - reading back on these posts makes me realise how tough last year really was. I thought I was ready to train for IRONMAN again. I thought it would give me purpose and something to focus on. After all it did that back in 2013 after losing Rosie when chasing Kona.  How wrong I was this time round.

Around May last year I made the hard, but right, decision to defer IRONMAN Wales to this year. I needed to give the distance the respect it deserved. If you look at my previous entry 'A turbulent few months' you can see just how much was on my shoulders mentally. Even reading it back brought me to tears remembering the despair I felt. Writing these blog posts are great; not only would it have helped at the time to release my pent up emotions but to look back on it now is interesting.

So how am I now? Well I am not surrounded by the black hole I was then. In fact in relation to the past 7 years I think I am feeling the best I have done. It goes without saying I struggle every day with the losses I have felt, and I do have emotional crashes where I just don't feel me, but these are things I have learned I will forever live with. After all as Winnie the Pooh said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard".

Also in response to my previous blog I have a much better relationship with alcohol. Through a combination of motivation for weight loss, wanting a clear head in the mornings for work and training and some overindulgent nights that left me feeling awful (most notably a friends 30th birthday party in January) I have really cut back. I am no quitter, hell no, but I don't need to have a glass...or bottle, every night. In fact I'm even enjoying a herbal tea in the evening and I have to laugh as Sam and I always called it lesbian tea (no offence to anyone just a joke we had). See, she'll always be there with me making me smile, even in the smallest and silliest ways.

I also am eating spot on and enjoying cooking new fresh and nutritious meals. I have made some fantastic dishes that Nathan my chef husband has applauded and some awful ones he has hated, but thankfully there have only a couple of the latter! You live and learn. (See a small selection below). Eating like this has massively helped my gut, something I have struggled with before. I no longer feel bloated all the time, and my weight is showing that too.

At the time of writing, since 1st January (8 weeks ago) I have lost 22.5lbs (1stone 8.5lbs). I am still some distance from my ideal race weight (after shamefully putting on quite a bit of weight over the last 2 years), but I am focused, determined and feeling a new lease of life for training.

So I thought I would include in this 'first' blog my current lifestyle and what I'm doing to get in the best shape I can when stood on that IRONMAN Wales start line on 6th September. Where I'll be head to toe in a combination of lycra and neoprene on Tenby's North Beach with the Welsh national anthem bringing me to tears for yet another time! My 3rd time in Wales with all the emotions to go with it (if you're new here read this blog and if you want to read even more read this blog and even more than that at read my book) and my 6th IRONMAN.

What is new? Well actually not much. I am still working at Sky News and Sky Sports News as a freelancer. My hours are long; 12 hours, with a range of earlies, days and nights and obviously I have my lovely, crazy twin boys to contend with, who are nearly 3 now (seriously where does the time go?!). I also live and hour and a half down the M3 from work so have nearly 3 hours of travel to add to my days too.

Fitting everything in is tiring, and sometimes I feel there aren't enough hours, nor coffee, in the day but with proper forward planning and A LOT of determination anything is possible. My two favourite quotes to sum this notion up are:

• Failure to prepare is preparing to fail
• Anything is possible if you want it enough

This week is my first proper week of intense training. (I haven't had it easy in January and kept getting ill so lacked any consistency but determined to push on now and not let myself and those watching me down in September). I am on track for a 10h30min training week, and for all those who will understand, that is a full green week on TrainingPeaks which to me is something to celebrate. By the end of the week I will have completed 14 sessions consisting of:

• 2 swims
• 6 bikes (indoors either Peloton or Zwift)
• 3 runs 
• 3 S&C (as well as a short ab & squat workout every day)

My epic tupperware meal collection

I cook all of my meals from scratch and this week will have worked 4 shifts comprising of one night and 3 days. All food is either batch cooked or, my favourite, leftovers from previous dinners. In fact I came to work today with 4 tupperware boxes and snacks as I'll eat every meal at work. This day sounded especially epic but proves that you can do it all!

05:45 Alarm
06:00 - 07:15 Drive to work (has to be said my gym bag was packed and clothes laid out ready to go)
07:30 - 08:00 Spin class
08:15 - 09:15 Peloton class (love these - followed by shower)
10:00 Begin work
15:00 S&C set during lunch
21:00/22:00 Finish work & drive home
23:00 Home and SLEEP

Then...REPEAT. Tired? Yeah me too...haha
(In fact due to wanting a social life on Saturday night I swapped my later start to an early in order to get home earlier. Thus meaning I will have to leave the house at 4:45 to get to work for 06:00. Doesn't leave much room for the sleep I crave but doesn't stop my determination to train around this and also live my life).

I also have a husband kicking around during all of this (even if we are like ships in the night a lot of the time) who also works full time. Neither of us have 'normal' Mon-Fri, 9-5 jobs. However, whenever we do have some time off together there is also the need to get a long run outside each and also of course have some family time.

Recent family time <3

It has to be said that without my parents even being able to work would be impossible as they help around the hours we're not there. The boys go to nursery 3 days a week and when working we can't always take or pick up due to our hours. When I have mine and Nathan's shifts I work a month in advance and sort out what help I need in relation to our hours. Mum sometimes puts them to bed until either Nathan or I get home, or if we're both out of the house in the super early hours (if I am on a Sport Early shift I have to leave at 03:30) then they stay over at hers. My sister also helps out too on the long days when we're both at work. I am extremely grateful and lucky for the support we do have.

I make my training work around my work and in that sense I am super lucky to have a great gym at work, a good set up at home with a turbo and treadmill and a good local gym with a pool 10 minutes away. My freelance work means I do get days in the week when the boys are at nursery to go to the gym or run outside alone and with nursery a short distance away I can also pick the boys up in the buggy sometimes (just waiting for the weather to be on my side!).

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I shall be updating this a lot more. I am showing more of a presence on social media in relation to my training on Instagram so please take a look (@holliecradduck).

If anyone has any questions or recommendations on what I should write about in my next blog then please let me know. I have already found people are interested in how I do it all so would love to help you. I want to show it is possible to be a mum, have a job, eat well, have fun and train well for an IRONMAN.

Lets just say 2020 is starting well.

See you soon! xx

Getting my mojo back

Since I last blogged I seem to, touch wood, have finally found my mojo again. I am back in full training and well...loving it! It, as before, is giving me that focus and drive I thrive off and massively helping my mental health.

What is also keeping me really motivated and excited is the imminent return to my second home; Lanzarote. For those who do not know this is where I lived for a year training for Kona as well as where I met Nathan and my lovely friend (who as you'll have read/can read about in my previous blog post) Sam. So an emotional place to return to but also one surrounded with so many happy memories. As I wrote in Sam's eulogy (seen on my previous post) I never was one to believe in all things spiritual, but Lanzarote...well it IS my spiritual home. It is mine, and Nathan's, refuge and escape. Both turning to the island when we needed it the most. Call it running away if you want, but it's a special island that seems to cleanse us. So given recent events, the timing to return is perfect (getting us back however is another issue). To many I am just going on holiday to an island I know like the back of my hand. Many may not get why we return to the same place. However, it is more than that. I am going home.

Club La Santa

As well as going back to have some time out and see friends, the time away was booked around trying to get a solid block of training in for me. Lanzarote is well known (and feared) for its brutal conditions (hot & windy) and unforgiving mountains. Therefore making it one of the best places to train. The infamous Club La Santa is a triathlete's mecca and that is where we are heading to. It's the other side of the island to where I lived previously in Costa Teguise, but it is perfect base for us as a family. Of course, the boys will be coming. It'll be there first time on a plane (God help me for those 4 hours) and their first time in real hot weather. I cannot wait to show them the island where mummy and daddy met.

As I mentioned this trip is an amazing opportunity to not only push my fitness forward but also keep my motivation up. Of course I am nowhere near as bike fit as I was when living in Lanzarote but that won't stop me pushing myself up and around the smooth tarmacked road. It is bike miles I really want to get in, something I lack in the UK due to weather, time and road constraints. Every time you go and cycle in the UK you're essentially taking your life in your own hands. I can't remember the last ride, no matter how small, where I haven't had a close call with a car passing too close due to impatience or ignorance.

Running with my boys

As well as cycling I want to continue the progress with my running, which I finally feel some fluidity, and dare I say, enjoyment, in. I have had to ramp up the run training very quick at the beginning of February however. With a sprained ankle that took longer to heal than I ever imagined and then all the events over the end of last year,meant I lost all my motivation and a lot of fitness. I had a stark thought that I was not ready for The London Marathon in April which I have been signed up for through a charity. Having known about my entry for over a year I really wanted to be in top condition for a 4 hour marathon but life as ever threw me curve-balls. I know I won't get that time but my running has come along really well very quickly by being smart. I hit a half marathon training run in 2h08 this week (whilst pushing the boys in the buggy for half of it) and aiming to hit 16 miles this weekend. I know as ever I am not breaking records with my run times, but I am injury free, running comfortably and excited once more. (I also have to add if anyone is interested in sponsoring me the link is here. I find asking for sponsorship really difficult especially given my previous endeavours, but I have had 4 years out of racing, had 2 children and getting back to endurance fitness is bloody hard work. I really have been pushing myself to get out and do this prestigious event some justice. More than that however it is an amazing cause, mental health being a cause very close to my heart, affecting not only me but my nearest and dearest.)

As ever with triathlon there is one other discipline, what was my favourite sport since cycling took over and actually got me into triathlon; swimming. With two 50m pools in Club La Santa, an open water lagoon on site, and of course the sea, teamed with the sun, swimming will definitely be in the agenda too! Swimming however as much as I do enjoy it, is always better with company and structure. So even more excitingly I have got myself on a swim camp which happens to be on whilst I am at Club La Santa. Dan Bullock, the head coach of the event, from Swim for Tri is a very well respected swim coach. Our paths have crossed quite a few times throughout my triathlon endeavours. In fact Dan was the first coach I ever had at the very beginning of my triathlon journey back in 2011, where at university I signed up for his open water swim sessions in Hyde Park's Lido. I also mentioned his influence on my triathlon 'career' in my book. I am so excited to be going to his swim camp, and despite swimming coming easy to me I have had over 3 years out from solid swim training and as with everything there is always something to learn. I have lost a lot of swim fitness and with swimming being a technique based discipline I really will be all ears!

On another note I also feel I have got my nutrition and drinking under control. My weight being a huge source of frustration for me given my difficulty to lose weight given all my efforts (eating well and training hard). However, I am looking into functional medicine privately to try and get to the root cause as I and my family are adamant something isn't right. The fact I am now doing something about this is a huge source of comfort for me. I may finally get some answers. Furthermore, I also haven't felt the need to drink every night. In fact up until now I have only drunk once a week and only when I really wanted to. As well as this my energy, or lack thereof, was something I was really struggling with recently. It does seem though that the cut down in alcohol, increase in exercise and nutrition has helped that too. During the last month I had been having a full night of sleep and finding myself unable to function so had to go back to sleep during the day. Just making it through a day was so hard. Fast forward to now, I have worked in London doing 12 hour shifts (excluding the 3 hour travel) for 4 days in a row, with tiredness of course, but not exhaustion. Moreover, despite not being as quick as I would like or imagine it should be given my diet and training, I am slowly but surely and most importantly healthily loosing weight. Half a stone down in 2.5 weeks. All of these points prove it really is amazing what the right diet and exercise plan can do for yourself inside out.


It has to also be said things aren't all rosy at home. Nathan has been struggling mentally after the loss of his dad and subsequent family upheavel but with a plan in place, my now positive outlook (as Nathan and I thrive of each others energy) and the return to our second home I hope it is upwards from here.

Thanks for reading xx

The countdown is on

A turbulent few months

All of a sudden its a new year. I know its February, way too late to say Happy New Year but seeing as I shockingly haven't blogged since November last year I feel it is only right. So Happy New Year.

There is good reason for my distance however. Mainly because saying Happy New Year to what began so badly didn't feel right. In all honesty the weeks that followed Christmas have been pretty shit. The Christmas period is always a difficult one for our family. As with many who have lost loved ones Christmas is when their presence is missed even more. Leading up to a day you spend with family...yet what if a member is no longer there? I was beyond excited for the boys however. Their first Christmas that they had an idea what was going on...or maybe we could selfishly enjoy for them. My brother and sister had decided to go away over Xmas to Disneyland. Something I do not blame Emma for doing considering it was her daughter we all crave to be with so much. It's an impossibly hard day for her. We did however have a lovely, relaxed Christmas Day with my parents, great Uncle, Nathan and the boys which ended in an epic game of cards and bubble and squeak as we decided to save the Christmas Day dinner stress and have the traditional turkey roast on Christmas Eve instead. (Take note, this is the BEST idea ever).

A week before this however Nathan found out his Dad had pancreatic cancer that had spread and he only had a week to live. So during this time not only had we been down to Kent to see him in hospital, what was also on Nathan's and my mind was...'when will we get the call?. Please don't let it be Christmas Day'. However, life had another tragedy to throw my way. On Boxing Day I found out one of my best friends, an amazing, inspirational and pivotal woman in my life was killed...on Christmas Day.

Unable to speak or think I screamed and crumbled to the floor. No, no, no...this cannot have happened. Not to Sam. Please not to Sam. In the moment I found out I couldn't make any sense of this cruel world we live in and I spent the night and the following days/weeks in yet another bubble of grief. Waking every day into the same nightmare.

Even looking back now those weeks seem a blur. I argued, I closed myself off, I lost all motivation, I got lazy with the food I was so excited to be cooking in my previous blog. I wanted to shut down but I played the great pretender card as I seem to have perfected. Inside I felt I was dying, to Nathan I was insufferable but to everyone else I was absolutely fine and coping really well.

I threw myself into helping wherever I could with the funeral arrangements. To take some stress away from Sam's family but also selfishly to keep me busy. I also believed I could help Sam's sisters Tanya and Martine given my experience after losing Rosie. I cried but not enough. I forced myself to the gym and pushed myself saying to myself, "do it for Sam" bringing myself to tears of anger and sadness and then running/spinning on through it. Then I would drink to try and take the pain away. Drinking has always been my Achilles heel, I enjoy wine and drink it socially. Obviously to the excess on many occasions but not for the numbing it can give (a feeling a knew all too well after losing Rosie). But this feeling, again, was what I craved during these weeks. One night I am ashamed about (so much so I have written this sentence and deleted it on countless times) is when I drank a whole bottle of vodka, mixed with orange juice so I couldn't taste it, alone until the early hours. Self-destruction. This was absolutely no way to keep Sam's memory alive. She would've been so disappointed.

Despite this realisation (and the banning of vodka) things didn't miraculously get better. Sam had been hit by a car and killed whilst walking to her part-time job on Christmas Day. A 37 year old BA air hostess and absolute ray of light. A friend I owe so much to. Without meeting her in Lanzarote in 2014 I never would have met Nathan and in turn wouldn't have had the twins. She brought so much joy and laughter to my world. She was probably one of the only friends I spoke to every single day, be that the huge deep and meaningful essays, the quick texts to check in or very commonly an inspirational quote or stupid meme. All of which I took for granted. I felt so unbelievably lonely even when surrounded by love at home.

Then on the 25th January, exactly a month after Sam died, I watched Nathan's dad take his last breath in a hospice surrounded by his children. (He was stubborn to the end and went on 6 weeks after his initial week to live). This experience not only brought back memories of watching my Nan die but also made me question, yet again, how would you rather go? I'm not trying to sound selfish to Nathan and his siblings loss but I couldn't comprehend it all. Since losing Rose in 2013 and then my Nan a year later the question has never really faded but it was a question that resurfaced again. Yet I still don't really have an answer to it.

A funeral, the final goodbye, is a source of solace for many. I thought it would do the same for me. The day was an amazing send off. The crematorium and wake was packed. I, alongside 5 other of Sam's friends, carried her in to Queen's, "You're my Best Friend". And then I read a eulogy. I broke down a couple of times but managed to just about hold it together with some deep breaths along the way to compose myself. I had practised it many times alone, never once getting through it without crying however. Always stumbling when towards the end of it I read;

"My mum has always said you need just 5 friends you can rely on - just a handful - that you can call upon at anytime for anything. Someone who would drop everything and come regardless. I just wish there was a way that heaven could receive those calls in case I ever need you Sam."

Overall the funeral didn't really signify anything more than she really was gone. It didn't help and any motivation to continue living as before completely evaporated as did my ability to be able to support Nathan through his tough time too. 

The emotions I have felt recently are very similar to those when I first lost Rose. This feeling of a weight on your chest. A pain that physically hurts. The constant Great Pretender act (as so aptly sung by Freddie Mercury). 

I spent the last weekend with Sam's sister Tanya, just down the road from where Sam lived near Brighton, and although we met under such horrible circumstances I feel it helped me mentally. I feel I can for the first time help someone go through this, openly and honestly. I know it doesn't get better, but I know you learn to live with it. You learn to create a 'new normal' and we stayed up late into the night to discuss things. More so than I have with anyone else. We also made plans towards a big event in Sam's memory. To do something positive for Sam and also be another thing to keep us busy. No-one can truly understand another's grief, something I know all too well, but we can support each other through it. 

I still feel lonely on many occasions. I forever will. From the loss of so many beautiful women in my life who have made me who I am, be that from their living life and their passing. I will also forever grieve. However I know I cannot do them proud at the bottom of a vodka bottle! So I am back. IRONMAN Wales is on. I have some work to do, I know that. I have lost a lot of fitness and I have some serious weight to shift. I also have The London Marathon in 2 months raising money for the Mental Health Foundation in memory of Rose. I may not get the time I really wanted but I have Rosie in my heart and Sam running alongside me as my training and racing partner. WE have got this!

My full eulogy to Sam is below:

Sam. Sammy. Samantha.

Crazy. Hilarious. Smiley.

Beautiful. Caring. Honest.

Kind. Genuine. Selfless.

Daughter. Sister. Auntie. Cousin. Niece. Friend.

Legend. Inspiration.

Sam was one of those people you never forget you’ve met. Even if your paths only crossed once she made an impression. She made everyone feel welcome and invited you into her world of fun, which was infectious. Not just one in a million, but truly I would say one of a kind. Unique, special and simply irreplaceable.

As Sam perfectly described herself in one of her blogs, “I am Sam. I am totally bonkers in a wonderful way. I try not to take life too seriously and live my life by quotes”.

My first meeting with Sam was just so. She made her mark the second she said hello. An instant click in our personalities. She brought me back to a Hollie I thought I had lost while in the midst of my own mental battles. Her confidence and carefree attitude was invigorating and inspiring. We even said while cycling around the mountains of Lanzarote we were meant to meet for our own recoveries. We both went to that island to find ourselves again and it has since become a second home and refuge for us. Our spiritual home I suppose. She opened my eyes to believe things do happen for a reason. Especially as on the second day I was with her I met my now husband. My happy marriage, blessed with 2 beautiful boys, is down to this amazing lady and for that alone I am eternally grateful.

As well as sharing her spiritual beliefs she also shared her wicked humour. I can honestly say there aren’t many people that could make me laugh quite like Sam did. I in turn shared my love of the colour pink, so much so she came to love the colour herself. From then on in I think most of our photos together involved some outrageous pink outfit or a luminous pink accessory.

Since meeting her in 2014 I don’t think we went a couple of days without talking to each other. Be that deep and meaningful essays that normally happened when both on night shifts, to the casual “you ok?”. The voice messages of her blasting out a tune. The inspirational affirmations. And then there was the constant hilarious memes, gifs, funny selfies (of which she was a pro) and the videos, all of which many of you will have received. Her way of checking in I suppose - checking we still shared the same stupid humour. Much of them I’m sure aren’t suitable to share however - especially with her love of a certain C word! She seemed to surround herself with likeminded weirdos...no offence! 

Since this terrible tragedy, what I’ve found so amazing after speaking to her friends (of which she had so many from all walks of life) is how she made every single one of us feel so special. And despite facing her own demons she would always have time to focus on yours and support you in any way she could. A true selfless superwoman.

A superwoman who surrounded herself with likeminded strong and powerful women; a firm believer in female empowerment and strength. Therefore, it felt right to have a majority strong female crew of pallbearers today. Her friends lifted her up in life, so it only felt right we did that for the final time.

She loved nature and the simple beauty it can bring. BA and the travel it provided enriched this passion. As well as loving all the friends, colleagues and customers she met along the way when flying.

Her positive outlook was so inspirational, and she bloody loved a good quote or affirmation. She often said, “Life is beautiful”. She made people see that, even when she or others were clouded by the many evils or upset by it. This is something to take forward into our own lives now she cannot be there to say it. Sam’s legacy. Open your eyes to the simple beauty that surrounds you.

As I’m sure we all know Sam also inspired through her sporting endeavours. A bloody awesome swimmer, winning many events and ‘chicking’ many many men! She was also a determined runner and cyclist and despite saying she wasn’t a natural athlete, she surely made it look easy sometimes, and always, always with a smile on her face. Completing countless triathlons, marathons and half IRONMANs.

Sam and I had always vowed to race a full IRONMAN together. Unfortunately, due to an injury a few weeks before our planned event in 2015 she never made it to the start line with me. I plan to do IRONMAN Wales in September and Sam will be my race and training partner. She will be in my heart from start to finish.

When the broken bones prevented her from running it didn’t stop her physically pushing herself. So, she went onto bodybuilding. Coming second in her first ever competitive event at The Miss Galaxy Universe where she radiated body confidence. She overcame so much self-doubt to go out on that stage in her bikini, which I remember she wanted to be inspired by butterflies. Not only did she love them but they represented the beauty of nature and symbolised transformation; two things that inspired her.

A truly beautiful and inspirational woman who proves you really can do anything you put your mind to. One of her favourite quotes states: “Believe in yourself and all that you are and know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle”.

Her great loves. Her mum, her sisters and her nephews whom she adored with all her heart and gave her so much joy and happiness. And of course her dog Ellie that she adored walking at sunset.

She had so much love to give and it breaks my heart that she can no longer be here to give it. I really hope she is looking down and can see the impact she has had and how loved she was. To me I feel Sam’s life was really just entering a new wonderful phase. She raved positivity so we need to radiate it back as she would want.

Another thing to take from Sam is to take pictures! As already mentioned she was a selfie queen and I am so lucky Sam loved taking them of all our adventures…and misadventures. Regardless of how silly I felt at the time, I now have them look back on, laugh at and treasure.

My mum has always said you need just 5 friends you can rely on - just a handful - that you can call upon at anytime for anything. Someone who would drop everything and come regardless. I just wish there was a way that heaven could receive those calls in case I ever need you Sam.

I’m reminded of the story of a son asking his mum, “why do the best die so soon?”. Her reply, “When you’re in a garden, which flowers do you pick first? The most beautiful ones”.

Sam you were a ray of light on dark days and the world will forever be a bit darker now you’re gone. Please use your light to guide us all down here.

Remember, “If you think tomorrow starts without me. Don’t think we’re far apart. For every time you think of me. I’m right here; In your heart.”

There is oh so much more I could say but I’m going to finish now.

Thank you Sam for simply being you. My life changed for the better the second you entered it. My resolution is, be more like Sam. Be silly, be kind, take pictures and dance like no one is watching!

I miss you and I will love you forever, our crazy Sam. Until we meet again.

Samantha Emma May. 03.01.1981 - 25.12.2018

Ronald Trevor Holmes 29.09.1943 - 25.01.2019

Why now?

I suppose the next question is why now? Why have I chosen now to return to IRONMAN? I have young twins (18 months), a full time job (night shifts with a commute to London) and a husband (this latter obviously being the hardest to manage 😂). So why do I need to add training, for what is considered to one of the hardest endurance challenges, to the list?

In a nutshell I need to get my mojo back. IRONMAN despite all the sacrifices (the early mornings and aches) always kept me going mentally and physically. I need a goal to continue training. I never have been one to enjoy a run just for the hell of it. So if I am not training I have no motivation; everything else goes and I tend to eat and drink what and when I want. For someone who does pride themselves on being healthy it is so easy to let yourself go. For example after my boys were born in April 2017 I had a goal to get into my dream wedding dress. Just 8 weeks after a Caesarean section I did the swim and bike legs of the hardest IRONMAN 70.3 out there (1.2 mile swim & a half marathon). I then went on to lose over 2 stone (13kg) and wore my dream dress. Yes I wasn't as light in the pictures as I had dreamed about but I really was happy had a truly amazing day. 

However, I have put nearly all of that weight back on (and I haven't had a stone worth of babies growing inside me!). I have yo-yoed but now 8 months after I said 'I do' I am definitely up. So physically I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I know I should be happy as I am, after all YOLO (you only live once) eh? But personally I am not where I want to be. I have let myself go, made myself believe constantly it's OK to have that drink (or two...or three..or floor...) because I am happy, however it doesn't always feel like that when waking up the next day (and that's not just the hangover head). 

So I have made myself accountable. I have signed up for THUD Direct. They are a nutrition company who create a personalised meal plan around your training and lifestyle. The nutritionist talks through your life, goals, likes, dislikes, training and makes a plan of all the macronutrients you need. All the meals are written by a Michelin trained chef and then all of the ingredients for each week are delivered to your door at a time that suits you. So as well as telling you what to eat and working all your macronutrients out it, then takes all the stress and time out of food shopping. It's like a personal food shopper but even more! (You also don't have to be doing any form of training necessarily or even have a goal weight, just the desire to eat clean, healthy, nutritious food easily). Oh and it also tracks your larder so it will know when to order the next lot of pasta or spices depending on what you would have previously used - clever eh! (Below is a few images of the food on plan).

Huevos Ranchos

Sesame & Ginger Cod 

Duck, Beetroot and Goats Cheese Salad

Kedgeree

Ginger & Lime Fish Parcels

During my first phone call with Shannon the nutritionist I learnt so much. I was particularly interested in some of my habits. My main one was to try and sustain myself by having breakfast late to bridge the gap between breakfast and lunch (I love eating and am always hungry). This was however most likely completely and utterly useless and in fact counterproductive. In fact I should eat something within an hour of waking up rather than waiting, sometimes up to 3 hours, before touching anything. Even a glass of milk would help. 

The next thing was what I do on my night shifts. I normally hold off eating during the day somewhat and then eat my dinner around 10pm to sustain me to the morning when I normally eat around 4am. My other 'logic' being that eating through the night would mess me up when returning to day lifestyle. Again however, this was the wrong approach. Little and often as is often said being the key. As well as that having soup at 4am as opposed to the oats I would normally have would actually encourage my brain to believe I am eating during the day and trick it to an extent that this is lunch time and awake time, not breakfast time and you have a full day ahead of you. And then finally when getting home from the shift (when I am always hungry but ignore it because sleep will make me forget) a glass of warm milk to help encourage a deep sleep. 

Essentially every day I should eat at least every 4 hours and definitely after a training session (something rarely do). Although I clearly have extra of me, by not fuelling myself right or often enough my body has no idea when it is going to eat and therefore stores fat (don't I know it!).

The month before Christmas may seem like a silly time to start; 'New Year, New Me' is the right time surely? But I actually think it is the best time! The plan we have decided to go with is get my structure and good habits back. I have to go in slowly with my training after my sprained ankle, as well as the fact I have been out of endurance training for 3 years. The goal then is to hit the weight loss harder in January once I have had a nice, but not too crazy Christmas. If I restrict too much now by Christmas I could easily go completely off the wagon.

This said, my suggested calorie intake is higher than I have ever known when on a diet plan which is great for a foodie like me, but even so I am already struggling to hit it (I'm on day 3). I suppose I restrict too much when I hear the word 'diet'. 

I have however always had a problem losing weight. I really am one of those who can look at cake and put weight on. I have had numerous tests to look into why, but have to accept it just takes a while to come off or maybe, as I have just written about I have been doing it all completely wrong! Time will tell I suppose but I am excited. Excited to learn. Excited to train and excited with my goal for IRONMAN Wales next year. 

I feel in control again and that feels great!

See you soon x