Doing it all. Anything is possible if you want it enough

Wow - reading back on these posts makes me realise how tough last year really was. I thought I was ready to train for IRONMAN again. I thought it would give me purpose and something to focus on. After all it did that back in 2013 after losing Rosie when chasing Kona.  How wrong I was this time round.

Around May last year I made the hard, but right, decision to defer IRONMAN Wales to this year. I needed to give the distance the respect it deserved. If you look at my previous entry 'A turbulent few months' you can see just how much was on my shoulders mentally. Even reading it back brought me to tears remembering the despair I felt. Writing these blog posts are great; not only would it have helped at the time to release my pent up emotions but to look back on it now is interesting.

So how am I now? Well I am not surrounded by the black hole I was then. In fact in relation to the past 7 years I think I am feeling the best I have done. It goes without saying I struggle every day with the losses I have felt, and I do have emotional crashes where I just don't feel me, but these are things I have learned I will forever live with. After all as Winnie the Pooh said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard".

Also in response to my previous blog I have a much better relationship with alcohol. Through a combination of motivation for weight loss, wanting a clear head in the mornings for work and training and some overindulgent nights that left me feeling awful (most notably a friends 30th birthday party in January) I have really cut back. I am no quitter, hell no, but I don't need to have a glass...or bottle, every night. In fact I'm even enjoying a herbal tea in the evening and I have to laugh as Sam and I always called it lesbian tea (no offence to anyone just a joke we had). See, she'll always be there with me making me smile, even in the smallest and silliest ways.

I also am eating spot on and enjoying cooking new fresh and nutritious meals. I have made some fantastic dishes that Nathan my chef husband has applauded and some awful ones he has hated, but thankfully there have only a couple of the latter! You live and learn. (See a small selection below). Eating like this has massively helped my gut, something I have struggled with before. I no longer feel bloated all the time, and my weight is showing that too.

At the time of writing, since 1st January (8 weeks ago) I have lost 22.5lbs (1stone 8.5lbs). I am still some distance from my ideal race weight (after shamefully putting on quite a bit of weight over the last 2 years), but I am focused, determined and feeling a new lease of life for training.

So I thought I would include in this 'first' blog my current lifestyle and what I'm doing to get in the best shape I can when stood on that IRONMAN Wales start line on 6th September. Where I'll be head to toe in a combination of lycra and neoprene on Tenby's North Beach with the Welsh national anthem bringing me to tears for yet another time! My 3rd time in Wales with all the emotions to go with it (if you're new here read this blog and if you want to read even more read this blog and even more than that at read my book) and my 6th IRONMAN.

What is new? Well actually not much. I am still working at Sky News and Sky Sports News as a freelancer. My hours are long; 12 hours, with a range of earlies, days and nights and obviously I have my lovely, crazy twin boys to contend with, who are nearly 3 now (seriously where does the time go?!). I also live and hour and a half down the M3 from work so have nearly 3 hours of travel to add to my days too.

Fitting everything in is tiring, and sometimes I feel there aren't enough hours, nor coffee, in the day but with proper forward planning and A LOT of determination anything is possible. My two favourite quotes to sum this notion up are:

• Failure to prepare is preparing to fail
• Anything is possible if you want it enough

This week is my first proper week of intense training. (I haven't had it easy in January and kept getting ill so lacked any consistency but determined to push on now and not let myself and those watching me down in September). I am on track for a 10h30min training week, and for all those who will understand, that is a full green week on TrainingPeaks which to me is something to celebrate. By the end of the week I will have completed 14 sessions consisting of:

• 2 swims
• 6 bikes (indoors either Peloton or Zwift)
• 3 runs 
• 3 S&C (as well as a short ab & squat workout every day)

My epic tupperware meal collection

I cook all of my meals from scratch and this week will have worked 4 shifts comprising of one night and 3 days. All food is either batch cooked or, my favourite, leftovers from previous dinners. In fact I came to work today with 4 tupperware boxes and snacks as I'll eat every meal at work. This day sounded especially epic but proves that you can do it all!

05:45 Alarm
06:00 - 07:15 Drive to work (has to be said my gym bag was packed and clothes laid out ready to go)
07:30 - 08:00 Spin class
08:15 - 09:15 Peloton class (love these - followed by shower)
10:00 Begin work
15:00 S&C set during lunch
21:00/22:00 Finish work & drive home
23:00 Home and SLEEP

Then...REPEAT. Tired? Yeah me too...haha
(In fact due to wanting a social life on Saturday night I swapped my later start to an early in order to get home earlier. Thus meaning I will have to leave the house at 4:45 to get to work for 06:00. Doesn't leave much room for the sleep I crave but doesn't stop my determination to train around this and also live my life).

I also have a husband kicking around during all of this (even if we are like ships in the night a lot of the time) who also works full time. Neither of us have 'normal' Mon-Fri, 9-5 jobs. However, whenever we do have some time off together there is also the need to get a long run outside each and also of course have some family time.

Recent family time <3

It has to be said that without my parents even being able to work would be impossible as they help around the hours we're not there. The boys go to nursery 3 days a week and when working we can't always take or pick up due to our hours. When I have mine and Nathan's shifts I work a month in advance and sort out what help I need in relation to our hours. Mum sometimes puts them to bed until either Nathan or I get home, or if we're both out of the house in the super early hours (if I am on a Sport Early shift I have to leave at 03:30) then they stay over at hers. My sister also helps out too on the long days when we're both at work. I am extremely grateful and lucky for the support we do have.

I make my training work around my work and in that sense I am super lucky to have a great gym at work, a good set up at home with a turbo and treadmill and a good local gym with a pool 10 minutes away. My freelance work means I do get days in the week when the boys are at nursery to go to the gym or run outside alone and with nursery a short distance away I can also pick the boys up in the buggy sometimes (just waiting for the weather to be on my side!).

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I shall be updating this a lot more. I am showing more of a presence on social media in relation to my training on Instagram so please take a look (@holliecradduck).

If anyone has any questions or recommendations on what I should write about in my next blog then please let me know. I have already found people are interested in how I do it all so would love to help you. I want to show it is possible to be a mum, have a job, eat well, have fun and train well for an IRONMAN.

Lets just say 2020 is starting well.

See you soon! xx

Getting my mojo back

Since I last blogged I seem to, touch wood, have finally found my mojo again. I am back in full training and well...loving it! It, as before, is giving me that focus and drive I thrive off and massively helping my mental health.

What is also keeping me really motivated and excited is the imminent return to my second home; Lanzarote. For those who do not know this is where I lived for a year training for Kona as well as where I met Nathan and my lovely friend (who as you'll have read/can read about in my previous blog post) Sam. So an emotional place to return to but also one surrounded with so many happy memories. As I wrote in Sam's eulogy (seen on my previous post) I never was one to believe in all things spiritual, but Lanzarote...well it IS my spiritual home. It is mine, and Nathan's, refuge and escape. Both turning to the island when we needed it the most. Call it running away if you want, but it's a special island that seems to cleanse us. So given recent events, the timing to return is perfect (getting us back however is another issue). To many I am just going on holiday to an island I know like the back of my hand. Many may not get why we return to the same place. However, it is more than that. I am going home.

Club La Santa

As well as going back to have some time out and see friends, the time away was booked around trying to get a solid block of training in for me. Lanzarote is well known (and feared) for its brutal conditions (hot & windy) and unforgiving mountains. Therefore making it one of the best places to train. The infamous Club La Santa is a triathlete's mecca and that is where we are heading to. It's the other side of the island to where I lived previously in Costa Teguise, but it is perfect base for us as a family. Of course, the boys will be coming. It'll be there first time on a plane (God help me for those 4 hours) and their first time in real hot weather. I cannot wait to show them the island where mummy and daddy met.

As I mentioned this trip is an amazing opportunity to not only push my fitness forward but also keep my motivation up. Of course I am nowhere near as bike fit as I was when living in Lanzarote but that won't stop me pushing myself up and around the smooth tarmacked road. It is bike miles I really want to get in, something I lack in the UK due to weather, time and road constraints. Every time you go and cycle in the UK you're essentially taking your life in your own hands. I can't remember the last ride, no matter how small, where I haven't had a close call with a car passing too close due to impatience or ignorance.

Running with my boys

As well as cycling I want to continue the progress with my running, which I finally feel some fluidity, and dare I say, enjoyment, in. I have had to ramp up the run training very quick at the beginning of February however. With a sprained ankle that took longer to heal than I ever imagined and then all the events over the end of last year,meant I lost all my motivation and a lot of fitness. I had a stark thought that I was not ready for The London Marathon in April which I have been signed up for through a charity. Having known about my entry for over a year I really wanted to be in top condition for a 4 hour marathon but life as ever threw me curve-balls. I know I won't get that time but my running has come along really well very quickly by being smart. I hit a half marathon training run in 2h08 this week (whilst pushing the boys in the buggy for half of it) and aiming to hit 16 miles this weekend. I know as ever I am not breaking records with my run times, but I am injury free, running comfortably and excited once more. (I also have to add if anyone is interested in sponsoring me the link is here. I find asking for sponsorship really difficult especially given my previous endeavours, but I have had 4 years out of racing, had 2 children and getting back to endurance fitness is bloody hard work. I really have been pushing myself to get out and do this prestigious event some justice. More than that however it is an amazing cause, mental health being a cause very close to my heart, affecting not only me but my nearest and dearest.)

As ever with triathlon there is one other discipline, what was my favourite sport since cycling took over and actually got me into triathlon; swimming. With two 50m pools in Club La Santa, an open water lagoon on site, and of course the sea, teamed with the sun, swimming will definitely be in the agenda too! Swimming however as much as I do enjoy it, is always better with company and structure. So even more excitingly I have got myself on a swim camp which happens to be on whilst I am at Club La Santa. Dan Bullock, the head coach of the event, from Swim for Tri is a very well respected swim coach. Our paths have crossed quite a few times throughout my triathlon endeavours. In fact Dan was the first coach I ever had at the very beginning of my triathlon journey back in 2011, where at university I signed up for his open water swim sessions in Hyde Park's Lido. I also mentioned his influence on my triathlon 'career' in my book. I am so excited to be going to his swim camp, and despite swimming coming easy to me I have had over 3 years out from solid swim training and as with everything there is always something to learn. I have lost a lot of swim fitness and with swimming being a technique based discipline I really will be all ears!

On another note I also feel I have got my nutrition and drinking under control. My weight being a huge source of frustration for me given my difficulty to lose weight given all my efforts (eating well and training hard). However, I am looking into functional medicine privately to try and get to the root cause as I and my family are adamant something isn't right. The fact I am now doing something about this is a huge source of comfort for me. I may finally get some answers. Furthermore, I also haven't felt the need to drink every night. In fact up until now I have only drunk once a week and only when I really wanted to. As well as this my energy, or lack thereof, was something I was really struggling with recently. It does seem though that the cut down in alcohol, increase in exercise and nutrition has helped that too. During the last month I had been having a full night of sleep and finding myself unable to function so had to go back to sleep during the day. Just making it through a day was so hard. Fast forward to now, I have worked in London doing 12 hour shifts (excluding the 3 hour travel) for 4 days in a row, with tiredness of course, but not exhaustion. Moreover, despite not being as quick as I would like or imagine it should be given my diet and training, I am slowly but surely and most importantly healthily loosing weight. Half a stone down in 2.5 weeks. All of these points prove it really is amazing what the right diet and exercise plan can do for yourself inside out.


It has to also be said things aren't all rosy at home. Nathan has been struggling mentally after the loss of his dad and subsequent family upheavel but with a plan in place, my now positive outlook (as Nathan and I thrive of each others energy) and the return to our second home I hope it is upwards from here.

Thanks for reading xx

The countdown is on

A turbulent few months

All of a sudden its a new year. I know its February, way too late to say Happy New Year but seeing as I shockingly haven't blogged since November last year I feel it is only right. So Happy New Year.

There is good reason for my distance however. Mainly because saying Happy New Year to what began so badly didn't feel right. In all honesty the weeks that followed Christmas have been pretty shit. The Christmas period is always a difficult one for our family. As with many who have lost loved ones Christmas is when their presence is missed even more. Leading up to a day you spend with family...yet what if a member is no longer there? I was beyond excited for the boys however. Their first Christmas that they had an idea what was going on...or maybe we could selfishly enjoy for them. My brother and sister had decided to go away over Xmas to Disneyland. Something I do not blame Emma for doing considering it was her daughter we all crave to be with so much. It's an impossibly hard day for her. We did however have a lovely, relaxed Christmas Day with my parents, great Uncle, Nathan and the boys which ended in an epic game of cards and bubble and squeak as we decided to save the Christmas Day dinner stress and have the traditional turkey roast on Christmas Eve instead. (Take note, this is the BEST idea ever).

A week before this however Nathan found out his Dad had pancreatic cancer that had spread and he only had a week to live. So during this time not only had we been down to Kent to see him in hospital, what was also on Nathan's and my mind was...'when will we get the call?. Please don't let it be Christmas Day'. However, life had another tragedy to throw my way. On Boxing Day I found out one of my best friends, an amazing, inspirational and pivotal woman in my life was killed...on Christmas Day.

Unable to speak or think I screamed and crumbled to the floor. No, no, no...this cannot have happened. Not to Sam. Please not to Sam. In the moment I found out I couldn't make any sense of this cruel world we live in and I spent the night and the following days/weeks in yet another bubble of grief. Waking every day into the same nightmare.

Even looking back now those weeks seem a blur. I argued, I closed myself off, I lost all motivation, I got lazy with the food I was so excited to be cooking in my previous blog. I wanted to shut down but I played the great pretender card as I seem to have perfected. Inside I felt I was dying, to Nathan I was insufferable but to everyone else I was absolutely fine and coping really well.

I threw myself into helping wherever I could with the funeral arrangements. To take some stress away from Sam's family but also selfishly to keep me busy. I also believed I could help Sam's sisters Tanya and Martine given my experience after losing Rosie. I cried but not enough. I forced myself to the gym and pushed myself saying to myself, "do it for Sam" bringing myself to tears of anger and sadness and then running/spinning on through it. Then I would drink to try and take the pain away. Drinking has always been my Achilles heel, I enjoy wine and drink it socially. Obviously to the excess on many occasions but not for the numbing it can give (a feeling a knew all too well after losing Rosie). But this feeling, again, was what I craved during these weeks. One night I am ashamed about (so much so I have written this sentence and deleted it on countless times) is when I drank a whole bottle of vodka, mixed with orange juice so I couldn't taste it, alone until the early hours. Self-destruction. This was absolutely no way to keep Sam's memory alive. She would've been so disappointed.

Despite this realisation (and the banning of vodka) things didn't miraculously get better. Sam had been hit by a car and killed whilst walking to her part-time job on Christmas Day. A 37 year old BA air hostess and absolute ray of light. A friend I owe so much to. Without meeting her in Lanzarote in 2014 I never would have met Nathan and in turn wouldn't have had the twins. She brought so much joy and laughter to my world. She was probably one of the only friends I spoke to every single day, be that the huge deep and meaningful essays, the quick texts to check in or very commonly an inspirational quote or stupid meme. All of which I took for granted. I felt so unbelievably lonely even when surrounded by love at home.

Then on the 25th January, exactly a month after Sam died, I watched Nathan's dad take his last breath in a hospice surrounded by his children. (He was stubborn to the end and went on 6 weeks after his initial week to live). This experience not only brought back memories of watching my Nan die but also made me question, yet again, how would you rather go? I'm not trying to sound selfish to Nathan and his siblings loss but I couldn't comprehend it all. Since losing Rose in 2013 and then my Nan a year later the question has never really faded but it was a question that resurfaced again. Yet I still don't really have an answer to it.

A funeral, the final goodbye, is a source of solace for many. I thought it would do the same for me. The day was an amazing send off. The crematorium and wake was packed. I, alongside 5 other of Sam's friends, carried her in to Queen's, "You're my Best Friend". And then I read a eulogy. I broke down a couple of times but managed to just about hold it together with some deep breaths along the way to compose myself. I had practised it many times alone, never once getting through it without crying however. Always stumbling when towards the end of it I read;

"My mum has always said you need just 5 friends you can rely on - just a handful - that you can call upon at anytime for anything. Someone who would drop everything and come regardless. I just wish there was a way that heaven could receive those calls in case I ever need you Sam."

Overall the funeral didn't really signify anything more than she really was gone. It didn't help and any motivation to continue living as before completely evaporated as did my ability to be able to support Nathan through his tough time too. 

The emotions I have felt recently are very similar to those when I first lost Rose. This feeling of a weight on your chest. A pain that physically hurts. The constant Great Pretender act (as so aptly sung by Freddie Mercury). 

I spent the last weekend with Sam's sister Tanya, just down the road from where Sam lived near Brighton, and although we met under such horrible circumstances I feel it helped me mentally. I feel I can for the first time help someone go through this, openly and honestly. I know it doesn't get better, but I know you learn to live with it. You learn to create a 'new normal' and we stayed up late into the night to discuss things. More so than I have with anyone else. We also made plans towards a big event in Sam's memory. To do something positive for Sam and also be another thing to keep us busy. No-one can truly understand another's grief, something I know all too well, but we can support each other through it. 

I still feel lonely on many occasions. I forever will. From the loss of so many beautiful women in my life who have made me who I am, be that from their living life and their passing. I will also forever grieve. However I know I cannot do them proud at the bottom of a vodka bottle! So I am back. IRONMAN Wales is on. I have some work to do, I know that. I have lost a lot of fitness and I have some serious weight to shift. I also have The London Marathon in 2 months raising money for the Mental Health Foundation in memory of Rose. I may not get the time I really wanted but I have Rosie in my heart and Sam running alongside me as my training and racing partner. WE have got this!

My full eulogy to Sam is below:

Sam. Sammy. Samantha.

Crazy. Hilarious. Smiley.

Beautiful. Caring. Honest.

Kind. Genuine. Selfless.

Daughter. Sister. Auntie. Cousin. Niece. Friend.

Legend. Inspiration.

Sam was one of those people you never forget you’ve met. Even if your paths only crossed once she made an impression. She made everyone feel welcome and invited you into her world of fun, which was infectious. Not just one in a million, but truly I would say one of a kind. Unique, special and simply irreplaceable.

As Sam perfectly described herself in one of her blogs, “I am Sam. I am totally bonkers in a wonderful way. I try not to take life too seriously and live my life by quotes”.

My first meeting with Sam was just so. She made her mark the second she said hello. An instant click in our personalities. She brought me back to a Hollie I thought I had lost while in the midst of my own mental battles. Her confidence and carefree attitude was invigorating and inspiring. We even said while cycling around the mountains of Lanzarote we were meant to meet for our own recoveries. We both went to that island to find ourselves again and it has since become a second home and refuge for us. Our spiritual home I suppose. She opened my eyes to believe things do happen for a reason. Especially as on the second day I was with her I met my now husband. My happy marriage, blessed with 2 beautiful boys, is down to this amazing lady and for that alone I am eternally grateful.

As well as sharing her spiritual beliefs she also shared her wicked humour. I can honestly say there aren’t many people that could make me laugh quite like Sam did. I in turn shared my love of the colour pink, so much so she came to love the colour herself. From then on in I think most of our photos together involved some outrageous pink outfit or a luminous pink accessory.

Since meeting her in 2014 I don’t think we went a couple of days without talking to each other. Be that deep and meaningful essays that normally happened when both on night shifts, to the casual “you ok?”. The voice messages of her blasting out a tune. The inspirational affirmations. And then there was the constant hilarious memes, gifs, funny selfies (of which she was a pro) and the videos, all of which many of you will have received. Her way of checking in I suppose - checking we still shared the same stupid humour. Much of them I’m sure aren’t suitable to share however - especially with her love of a certain C word! She seemed to surround herself with likeminded weirdos...no offence! 

Since this terrible tragedy, what I’ve found so amazing after speaking to her friends (of which she had so many from all walks of life) is how she made every single one of us feel so special. And despite facing her own demons she would always have time to focus on yours and support you in any way she could. A true selfless superwoman.

A superwoman who surrounded herself with likeminded strong and powerful women; a firm believer in female empowerment and strength. Therefore, it felt right to have a majority strong female crew of pallbearers today. Her friends lifted her up in life, so it only felt right we did that for the final time.

She loved nature and the simple beauty it can bring. BA and the travel it provided enriched this passion. As well as loving all the friends, colleagues and customers she met along the way when flying.

Her positive outlook was so inspirational, and she bloody loved a good quote or affirmation. She often said, “Life is beautiful”. She made people see that, even when she or others were clouded by the many evils or upset by it. This is something to take forward into our own lives now she cannot be there to say it. Sam’s legacy. Open your eyes to the simple beauty that surrounds you.

As I’m sure we all know Sam also inspired through her sporting endeavours. A bloody awesome swimmer, winning many events and ‘chicking’ many many men! She was also a determined runner and cyclist and despite saying she wasn’t a natural athlete, she surely made it look easy sometimes, and always, always with a smile on her face. Completing countless triathlons, marathons and half IRONMANs.

Sam and I had always vowed to race a full IRONMAN together. Unfortunately, due to an injury a few weeks before our planned event in 2015 she never made it to the start line with me. I plan to do IRONMAN Wales in September and Sam will be my race and training partner. She will be in my heart from start to finish.

When the broken bones prevented her from running it didn’t stop her physically pushing herself. So, she went onto bodybuilding. Coming second in her first ever competitive event at The Miss Galaxy Universe where she radiated body confidence. She overcame so much self-doubt to go out on that stage in her bikini, which I remember she wanted to be inspired by butterflies. Not only did she love them but they represented the beauty of nature and symbolised transformation; two things that inspired her.

A truly beautiful and inspirational woman who proves you really can do anything you put your mind to. One of her favourite quotes states: “Believe in yourself and all that you are and know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle”.

Her great loves. Her mum, her sisters and her nephews whom she adored with all her heart and gave her so much joy and happiness. And of course her dog Ellie that she adored walking at sunset.

She had so much love to give and it breaks my heart that she can no longer be here to give it. I really hope she is looking down and can see the impact she has had and how loved she was. To me I feel Sam’s life was really just entering a new wonderful phase. She raved positivity so we need to radiate it back as she would want.

Another thing to take from Sam is to take pictures! As already mentioned she was a selfie queen and I am so lucky Sam loved taking them of all our adventures…and misadventures. Regardless of how silly I felt at the time, I now have them look back on, laugh at and treasure.

My mum has always said you need just 5 friends you can rely on - just a handful - that you can call upon at anytime for anything. Someone who would drop everything and come regardless. I just wish there was a way that heaven could receive those calls in case I ever need you Sam.

I’m reminded of the story of a son asking his mum, “why do the best die so soon?”. Her reply, “When you’re in a garden, which flowers do you pick first? The most beautiful ones”.

Sam you were a ray of light on dark days and the world will forever be a bit darker now you’re gone. Please use your light to guide us all down here.

Remember, “If you think tomorrow starts without me. Don’t think we’re far apart. For every time you think of me. I’m right here; In your heart.”

There is oh so much more I could say but I’m going to finish now.

Thank you Sam for simply being you. My life changed for the better the second you entered it. My resolution is, be more like Sam. Be silly, be kind, take pictures and dance like no one is watching!

I miss you and I will love you forever, our crazy Sam. Until we meet again.

Samantha Emma May. 03.01.1981 - 25.12.2018

Ronald Trevor Holmes 29.09.1943 - 25.01.2019

Why now?

I suppose the next question is why now? Why have I chosen now to return to IRONMAN? I have young twins (18 months), a full time job (night shifts with a commute to London) and a husband (this latter obviously being the hardest to manage 😂). So why do I need to add training, for what is considered to one of the hardest endurance challenges, to the list?

In a nutshell I need to get my mojo back. IRONMAN despite all the sacrifices (the early mornings and aches) always kept me going mentally and physically. I need a goal to continue training. I never have been one to enjoy a run just for the hell of it. So if I am not training I have no motivation; everything else goes and I tend to eat and drink what and when I want. For someone who does pride themselves on being healthy it is so easy to let yourself go. For example after my boys were born in April 2017 I had a goal to get into my dream wedding dress. Just 8 weeks after a Caesarean section I did the swim and bike legs of the hardest IRONMAN 70.3 out there (1.2 mile swim & a half marathon). I then went on to lose over 2 stone (13kg) and wore my dream dress. Yes I wasn't as light in the pictures as I had dreamed about but I really was happy had a truly amazing day. 

However, I have put nearly all of that weight back on (and I haven't had a stone worth of babies growing inside me!). I have yo-yoed but now 8 months after I said 'I do' I am definitely up. So physically I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I know I should be happy as I am, after all YOLO (you only live once) eh? But personally I am not where I want to be. I have let myself go, made myself believe constantly it's OK to have that drink (or two...or three..or floor...) because I am happy, however it doesn't always feel like that when waking up the next day (and that's not just the hangover head). 

So I have made myself accountable. I have signed up for THUD Direct. They are a nutrition company who create a personalised meal plan around your training and lifestyle. The nutritionist talks through your life, goals, likes, dislikes, training and makes a plan of all the macronutrients you need. All the meals are written by a Michelin trained chef and then all of the ingredients for each week are delivered to your door at a time that suits you. So as well as telling you what to eat and working all your macronutrients out it, then takes all the stress and time out of food shopping. It's like a personal food shopper but even more! (You also don't have to be doing any form of training necessarily or even have a goal weight, just the desire to eat clean, healthy, nutritious food easily). Oh and it also tracks your larder so it will know when to order the next lot of pasta or spices depending on what you would have previously used - clever eh! (Below is a few images of the food on plan).

Huevos Ranchos

Sesame & Ginger Cod 

Duck, Beetroot and Goats Cheese Salad

Kedgeree

Ginger & Lime Fish Parcels

During my first phone call with Shannon the nutritionist I learnt so much. I was particularly interested in some of my habits. My main one was to try and sustain myself by having breakfast late to bridge the gap between breakfast and lunch (I love eating and am always hungry). This was however most likely completely and utterly useless and in fact counterproductive. In fact I should eat something within an hour of waking up rather than waiting, sometimes up to 3 hours, before touching anything. Even a glass of milk would help. 

The next thing was what I do on my night shifts. I normally hold off eating during the day somewhat and then eat my dinner around 10pm to sustain me to the morning when I normally eat around 4am. My other 'logic' being that eating through the night would mess me up when returning to day lifestyle. Again however, this was the wrong approach. Little and often as is often said being the key. As well as that having soup at 4am as opposed to the oats I would normally have would actually encourage my brain to believe I am eating during the day and trick it to an extent that this is lunch time and awake time, not breakfast time and you have a full day ahead of you. And then finally when getting home from the shift (when I am always hungry but ignore it because sleep will make me forget) a glass of warm milk to help encourage a deep sleep. 

Essentially every day I should eat at least every 4 hours and definitely after a training session (something rarely do). Although I clearly have extra of me, by not fuelling myself right or often enough my body has no idea when it is going to eat and therefore stores fat (don't I know it!).

The month before Christmas may seem like a silly time to start; 'New Year, New Me' is the right time surely? But I actually think it is the best time! The plan we have decided to go with is get my structure and good habits back. I have to go in slowly with my training after my sprained ankle, as well as the fact I have been out of endurance training for 3 years. The goal then is to hit the weight loss harder in January once I have had a nice, but not too crazy Christmas. If I restrict too much now by Christmas I could easily go completely off the wagon.

This said, my suggested calorie intake is higher than I have ever known when on a diet plan which is great for a foodie like me, but even so I am already struggling to hit it (I'm on day 3). I suppose I restrict too much when I hear the word 'diet'. 

I have however always had a problem losing weight. I really am one of those who can look at cake and put weight on. I have had numerous tests to look into why, but have to accept it just takes a while to come off or maybe, as I have just written about I have been doing it all completely wrong! Time will tell I suppose but I am excited. Excited to learn. Excited to train and excited with my goal for IRONMAN Wales next year. 

I feel in control again and that feels great!

See you soon x

Returning to where it all began

OK it has been a while since I sat down and blogged. In fact my last blog was on the 25th January 2017, seen in my previous blog 'The Road to Kona'. This detailed my journey to becoming an IRONMAN, which I did in 2013. My journey then took me around the world. I lived in another country (Lanzarote) and raced at The IRONMAN World Championship in Kona, Hawaii. My story (and some hard work writing from myself) then made me a published author with my book; 'Hollie's Road to Kona: A Young Woman's Ironman Mission'.

However, as many will know my story hasn't stemmed from happiness...

When I crossed the IRONMAN finish line in Tenby, Wales in just over 14 hours my euphoria was hit with tragedy. My niece and best friend Rosie had died in her sleep in the early hours of that morning in the Manor House I was sharing with all of my family. I was left completely unawares; my family deciding once they had discovered Rose, to keep it from me in order I could achieve my dream of completing. All the while my parents, who had just lost their first grandchild, had to spectate me knowing my heart would be broken when I finished. Almost like an impending doom.

And yes the doom was horrific. I lay in a bath for hours until I was shivering. But I made a promise that night whilst lying awake as I felt the world falling apart beneath me. A promise to go beyond what I ever saw possible and qualify for the IRONMAN World Championship in Rosie's memory. I did just that in 2014 when I returned to face all the emotions and demons from the previous year, in Tenby. A fitting place to qualify.

During the IRONMAN World Championship in 2015

I struggled with the normality of work after losing Rose, and then moved to Lanzarote (known for its triathlete haven, and similar terrain to Kona) in October 2014 to train full time ready for Kona. Whilst there I raced another IRONMAN and competed for GB at the Long Distance Championship in Sweden. It was also here I met my now husband, Nathan with whom we also have 2 beautiful twin boys; James and Harry, currently 18 months.

My baby boys

Our amazing wedding day

I struggle with Rosie's death daily. Some moments I get the same feeling when I was first told of her death by my mum, when physically exhausted by the car in Tenby. Where I broke down, dropped everything I was holding, and in such disbelief swore, fuck off. A moment I do not remember. The only quote to sum the whole experience is something I took from a grief book called 'On Grief and Grieving': (which I thoroughly recommend to anyone going through the loss of a loved one)

"Everyone experiences many losses throughout life, but the death of a loved one is an unmatched for its emptiness and profound sadness. Your world stops. You know the exact time your loved one died - or the exact moment you were told. It is marked in your mind. Your world takes on a slowness, a surrealness. It seems strange that the clocks in the world continue when your inner clock does not".

However, this is not the story I am telling and not the reason I began blogging again. Of course I will forever mention Rosie's name, she is my motivation and my core reason to keep going and I will miss her for the rest of my life. But I am here to get Hollie back. I want to do an IRONMAN again for me. To get fit again. To feel great about myself mentally and physically. Throughout all the stages of grief the only thing that ever made me feel better was my goal in IRONMAN, the overriding thing being that I strongly believe exercise is the best anti-depressant you can get. This is something I researched in my book, even talking to one of the top doctors with extensive research in the world on this topic.

So this is my comeback. My personal diary into having kids, letting yourself go and then struggling and juggling being a full time working mum while training for an IRONMAN. Oh and my comeback is IRONMAN Wales in 2019. I am facing the dragon and all the emotions that come with it for the 3rd time. I'm going back to where it all began.

I look forward to seeing you all for my next instalment :).

Love Hollie x